IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #olympics #games #st #century
The personal details
such
 as hobbies and interests, marital status etc.
requested
Suggestion
Requested
 sometimes by employers is actually necessary and needed. Public opinion
vary
Suggestion
varies
 on the relevance and utility of personal details collected in
overall hiring process
Suggestion
the overall hiring process
. There are some obvious points that collecting the personal details is important.
Firstly
 jobs that
requires
Suggestion
require
 odd hour shift may not be suitable for people with family or in some developing countries for females.
Secondly for
Accept comma addition
Secondly, for
job
Suggestion
a job
 that involves heavy physical labour work the personal details
such
 as height and weight are critical.
Last
 but not the least the jobs that needs the employee to have
passion
Suggestion
a passion
 for the desired skill example travel host, chef, photographer etc., the personal details
such
 as hobbies and interest are very useful for the employers to understand and
evaulate
evaluate or estimate the nature, quality, ability, extent, or significance of
evaluate
 the passion of the prospective employee.
On the other hand
, for regular corporate or banking
jobs collecting
Accept comma addition
jobs, collecting
 personal data may lead to unfair bias.
First
 and foremost employers may be biased on people with family or kids as the general mindset is
people
Suggestion
peopled
 with family are less focused toward work.
Secondly
 the employer can assume that people with hobbies
such
 as travelling may take more leaves.
Lastly some
Accept comma addition
Lastly, some
 employer may have a bias towards the
third
gender though
Accept comma addition
gender, though
 with equal or more capabilities compared to a male or female candidate. In my opinion, collecting personal information is
some times
on certain occasions or in certain cases but not always
sometimes
necessary
Accept comma addition
necessary, however
however
 employers before collecting the personal details should provide a disclaimer as why they are collecting the information and how will they use and
finally
 dispose the collected information.
Submitted by jarnailjolly on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: