IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #e #g #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #jobs
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The booming development of
entertainment industry
Suggestion
the entertainment industry
 is increasingly being witnessed these days. Whether or not celebrities are overpaid has become a hot topic of discussion in the
society
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analysis the reason of
this
Linking Words
 and suggest other occupations which deserve to be highly paid.
Entertainers
Accept comma addition
Entertainers, such
such
Linking Words
 as athletes, singers and actors play a crucial role in our daily life as it is essential to rescue us from loneliness and boredom, so there is no doubt that a majority of celebrities are wealthy because they tend to earn a huge amount of money in a short period of time due to their fame in the public. To illustrate, many stars in Hollywood are highly paid by some companies to endorse their brands and products in order to improve their exposure in the public and maximize their revenues in the market. As can be seen, they can earn an excessive amount of money easily, while people in other industries are not paid enough. There are various other jobs deserve to be offered more
money especially
Accept comma addition
money, especially
 those who make much greater contributions to the
society
Use synonyms
. Teachers, doctors, scientists and soldiers
are play
Suggestion
are playing
play
have played
 a vital role in our
society
Use synonyms
 that should be rewarded a reasonably higher income so more people will be encouraged to opt them as future careers. Another type of profession is worthy to be paid more is those associated with risks and
dangerous
Suggestion
dangers
such
Linking Words
 as fire fighters,
polices
the force of policemen and officers
police
 and soldiers, so a good income can be a reflect on their contributions to the
society
Use synonyms
. To sum up, whether or not famous people are overpaid is debatable nowadays. I’m inclined to say that there is a wide range of occupations deserving better salaries.
Submitted by 1162242983 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: