IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. Do you agree or disagree?

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It's a very interesting topic, in
this
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 essay we will discuss about the early withdrawal or when the people reach 60 years of their
age
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. In
this
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 essay we will argue about the both elements, to what extent we are agreed of disagreeing.
Hence
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, the majority of the people are waiting to be out of the
labor
a social class comprising those who do manual labor or work for wages
labour
 market and devote their time to their family.
This
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trends
Suggestion
trend
 prompts a controversial topic whether people should be retired after the
age
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 of 60 or not. I adamantly believe that citizens of a country should work in their 60s.
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first
preceding all others in time or space or degree
First
 and foremost, experience and knowledge have been accumulated during
years
Suggestion
the years
 and if governments push people toward early
retirement
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, the society and economics would worse off. Since
retirement
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 means that people
can not
can not
cannot
 gain from a retired's precious knowledge and experience, early
retirement
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 means losing the advantage of using all the information they have. Take a professor of a
university
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 as an example. He allocates a sheer scale of his
life
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 to study in his major. Now the
university
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 excludes him from his faculty members. There are two detrimental consequences. In one hand, the
university
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 should hire someone with insufficient information and spend lots of money and energy to train him.
On the other hand
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, the
university
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 will hinder students to use the knowledge of the retired professor.
Moreover
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, importantly, the early
retirement
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 provokes numerous mental diagnosis in elderly. Retired people do not have any goal in their
life
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 and if they merely stay at home, eventually seeds of depression will be spread in their
life
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. According to a large-scale research done by world health organization (WHO) there is a meaningful correlation between
retirement
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 and depression. Data of these two factors
show
Suggestion
shows
 that the earlier elderly become
retirement
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, the more possible that we have depression in the elderly people of the society. The concept of particularly withdraw in the
age
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 of the sixties would not be a wise decision.
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last
Suggestion
Last
 but not least, early
retirement
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 lead
insurance
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 companies toward bankruptcy. The revenue of
this
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 important sector of the economy is the years the people are going to pay for their
insurance
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.
On the other hand
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, the cost of them is pensions they pay to retired.
Accordingly
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, in the case of early
retirement
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, they
can not
can not
cannot
 balance their budget and the likelihood of failure is a lot. As a matter of fact, most of the countries are suffering from
this
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 problem. The interference of the governments has helped
insurance
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companies but
Accept comma addition
companies, but
 it puts the states under pressure of debt.
Debt
Suggestion
The debt
 of the USA, as an example, is 10 percent of their gross domestic products (GDP) and most of them is associated with early
retirement
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 imposed to the
insurance
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 private sectors. In my opinion, in a nutshell, I subscribe to the belief that people should not retire at the
age
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 of sixty. So to conclude from
this
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, I would say that' better to engage in some productive activities rather than sitting idle at home and not being involved in any activity would have a very negative impact on
life
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.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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