IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is essential to include Physical Education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children’s time is better spent on more academic subjects. Discuss both views and give our own opinion.

#people #education #classes #curriculum #children #children’s #time #subjects
To remain healthy
,
Accept space
,
section
Suggestion
a section
 of people
think
Suggestion
thinks
 that
sports
Accept comma addition
sports, education
education
 plays a significant role in
syllabus
Suggestion
the syllabus
 of the school
students but
Accept comma addition
students, but
group
Suggestion
groups
the group
 of people
deem
Suggestion
deems
 that children should spend their time on
theoratical
concerned primarily with theories or hypotheses rather than practical considerations
theoretical
vertical
 subjects rather than physical knowledge.According to me both the subjects are equally important to learn in
schooldays
Suggestion
school days
.
This
 essay will discuss both the views followed by my opinion.
To begin
 with
,
Accept space
,
academic subjects are very important to survive in
this
 highly competitive era.Though
,
Accept space
,
it is imperative for students to focus on academic subjects
such
 as maths
,
Accept space
,
science and
english
an Indo-European language belonging to the West Germanic branch; the official language of Britain and the United States and most of the commonwealth countries
English
 because every subjects have their own potential.Spending time on
such
 subjects will be fruitful for students because it leads children towards
bright future
Suggestion
a bright future
the bright future
.
In other words
,
Accept space
,
to open a simple business needs
mathemtical
of or pertaining to or of the nature of mathematics
mathematical
 and communication skills.
Moreover
,
Accept space
,
parents are worried about future of their child due to unemployment rate has increased.So
,
Accept space
,
it is obvious that they prefer that children spend more time on academic subjects rather than sports. On
other side
Suggestion
the other side
,
Accept space
,
some people have underestimated the problems related to health which are proliferating among
children
Accept comma addition
children, such
such
 as
obesity which
Accept comma addition
obesity, which
sometime
on certain occasions or in certain cases but not always
sometimes
 leads to diabetes and
bloodpressure
Suggestion
blood pressure
 problems
also
.
Therefore
,
Accept space
,
it is essential to have a class of physical
education
 where students can exercise their
body
Suggestion
bodies
 and get knowledge about
human body
Suggestion
the human body
.So
,
Accept space
,
having physical
education
 is very beneficial
becuase
for the reason that; on account of
because
 students will understand the value of their shape.It is fact that children
can not
can not
cannot
 focus on study if they are physically ill or weak.
For instance
,
Accept space
,
Beacon Hills School
Suggestion
the Beacon Hills School
 in America has introduced the physical
education
 class after majority of students faced obesity. I opine that academic as well as physical
,
Accept space
,
both the subjects are equally important
becuase
for the reason that; on account of
because
 academic subjects help to build
career
Suggestion
careers
,
Accept space
,
whereas
,
Accept space
,
by physical
education
,
Accept space
,
children can curb common health problems which helps to focus on study.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: