IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Due to high unemployment rate in some countries, pupils should be offered only primary education and not secondary education since there is no jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some
people
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 reason that
school
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children
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 should only acquire primary
education
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 and not secondary
as a result
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 of the high rate of unemployment in some
countries
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. I,
however
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, totally disagree with
this
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 point of view because
children
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 need
secondary
Add an article
a secondary
the secondary
show examples
level
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 of learning to compete for the few jobs available and
also
Linking Words
 set up their business if they need to. To start with, the non-availability of adequate jobs in certain
countries
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,
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apply
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 means that
people
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 need to be highly competitive in order to secure one, and the only way to do
this
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 is through
acquisition
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the acquisition
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 of secondary
education
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.
In other words
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, employers of labour, both government and private organizations, require more than primary academic qualification.
For instance
Linking Words
, a recent advertisement placed for employment in some
countries
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 boldly indicated a minimum qualification of
secondary
Correct article usage
a secondary
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school
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 certificate.
This
Linking Words
 implies that
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school
Correct your spelling
schoolchildren
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children
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 should be made to go beyond
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
level
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 of learning in order to stand a chance of getting a job.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, secondary
education
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 equips the
children
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 with adequate skills to set up their private businesses. For one thing, in
countries
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 where there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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no
Correct your spelling
not
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 much
works
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work
show examples
 for
people
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 to do, they often
resorted
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resort
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 into self established
works
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work
show examples
. They,
therefore
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, need to learn the knowledge from a secondary
level
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 of
education
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 as those kinds of skills are not usually taught at
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
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level
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the non-availability of jobs has led some
people
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into thinking
Change preposition
to think
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 that
school
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 pupils shouldn't study beyond primary
school
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, I totally disagree as
this
Linking Words
 qualification is not enough to make them competitive and
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
self-employed.

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task achievement
Consider providing more examples or further elaboration on how secondary education specifically aids in setting up private businesses. This could strengthen your argument about the importance of secondary education beyond job competition.
coherence and cohesion
Improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the flow of your argument. Using cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'moreover' can help to strengthen coherence.
content
Your essay has a clear stance against the idea of limiting education to primary levels, which is well articulated in your introduction.
content
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the requirement for secondary education in job advertisements, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unemployment rate
  • primary education
  • secondary education
  • employability
  • entrepreneurship
  • educational reforms
  • economic growth
  • skilled workforce
  • job market
  • opportunities
  • critical thinking
  • advanced skills
  • self-employment
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