IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages.

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Entertainments
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Entertainment
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 are becoming increasingly abundant in
this
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 modern world owing to the advancement in technology and the internet. Electronic devices
such
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 as mobile phones, tablets and computers allow
people
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 to access movies and games anytime they want, changing the way
people
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 spend their leisure
time
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 and drawbacks of
this
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 phenomenon, and provide the reasons why
negative
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the negative
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 effects
outweighs
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outweigh
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 the
advantages
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. Some
advantages
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 of having access to a variety of entertainment from mobile devices are its
time
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 efficiency and
cost effectiveness
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cost-effectiveness
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.
For example
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, watching a film in a theatre is more expensive than accessing a movie on the internet.
People
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 can save the
time
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 to travel to the movie theatre and simultaneously, watch movies anytime they want as long as there is
an
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apply
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internet access. It is
also
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 beneficial to a family with small children as letting them watch a movie or play games on
smart phones
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smartphones
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 or tablets keeps them busy, creating extra
time
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 to do house chores for parents.
Thus
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, it must be acknowledged that there are some
advantages
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 of
this
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 development.
On the other hand
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, its detrimental effects are tremendous. It changed the way of socialising not only with family members
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 with friends.
While
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people
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 can watch movies or play games together, it does not involve actual human interactions, rather it creates an environment where
people
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 are accepted to remain silent without any conversations.
Moreover
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,
people
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 spend less
time
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 in engaging physical activities as they have more options in spending their leisure
time
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.
This
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 contributes to
the
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an
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 unhealthy lifestyle, making
people
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 prone to some illnesses
such
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 as diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. As discussed, the lack of social interaction and
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle negatively affect
people
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's social life and health. In conclusion,
while
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people
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 appreciate the abundance of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
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 made available owing to the advancement in technology, the disadvantages outweigh its
advantages
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.
People
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 should make a wide choice in deciding how they spend their leisure
time
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. It is recommended to spend
time
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 socialising with others and look after one's health by exercising outside, rather than spending hours on mobile phones and computers.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the essay's main argument without any ambiguity. In your case, you mention that the negative effects outweigh the advantages, which should be distinct in your thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
In your paragraphs, make sure each point is clearly linked to the main argument. For instance, while you discuss advantages and disadvantages, ensure that each point explicitly connects back to the central thesis about their overall impact on leisure time.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument, include more specific examples and statistics where applicable. For one of your disadvantages, providing specific activity levels or health statistics related to sedentary lifestyles would enhance your argument significantly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a well-structured argument with a clear introduction and conclusion, which guides the reader effectively through your points.
task achievement
You made a good attempt to discuss both sides of the topic, which is essential in IELTS essays, reflecting a balanced approach to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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