IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is important to give children the chance to act independently and make their own decisions from early age. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?

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A number of
children
Use synonyms
 desire to live independently these days. Some people think that it is significant that
children
Use synonyms
 are given the opportunity to act independently and they can make their own decisions from an early age. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea, and I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 guide their
children
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. First of all, there are some reasons as to why
children
Use synonyms
 should not act freely in daily life. One of the main reasons is that
children
Use synonyms
 do not have a greater knowledge of modern life and they should gain experience by observing
parents
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 and others’ lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
children
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 tend to start smoking cigarettes, which is harmful to their health and
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to severe diseases from
early
Add an article
an early
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 age. If
children
Use synonyms
 realize that smoking is addictive and not beneficial for them by observing the problems which others suffer.
Moreover
Linking Words
, excessive playing
video
Change preposition
of video
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 games has become a common trend among
children
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years and
this
Linking Words
 trend
impact
Change the verb form
impacts
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 their mental health in a negative way, which
result
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results
show examples
 in game addiction, stress, anxiety, and depression.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 should not be given a large space of freedom.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
children
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 who lack parental supervision tend to
more
Add a missing verb
be more
show examples
 likely to become obese. The reason is that
children
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 prefer
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
consuming junk food rather than
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
 food.
As a result
Linking Words
 of that, they suffer from obesity from early age. A number of
children
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 who move independently tend to watch TV for hours, and
children
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, who watch TV a lot, attend
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
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 physical activities. The lack of physical exercise in
children
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 plays a major role in developing obesity.
Thus
Linking Words
, parental supervision is entirely important
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 rather than their independence. In conclusion, it is not important that
children
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 live as they wish. I fully disagree with the idea that
children
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 should not be dependent on their
parents
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whereas
Linking Words
 they should make their own
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
. The reason is that If
parents
Use synonyms
 allow them to act independently and make their own decisions,
children
Use synonyms
 suffer from health problems caused by smoking and video games
as well as
Linking Words
 obesity, which is a concerning problem among
children
Use synonyms
.

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Task Response
The introduction could be more engaging by clearly stating your position and summarizing the key reasons for your disagreement. Consider refining your opening statement for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider adding a clearer progression of ideas between paragraphs. Each paragraph should clearly relate to your main argument and logically build upon the previous one.
Task Achievement
To strengthen your examples, provide more specific contexts or statistics. For instance, cite studies or surveys related to children's health and obesity if possible.
Task Achievement
The conclusion could reiterate your main points more explicitly and emphasize the implications of allowing children too much independence.
Task Response
The essay presents a clear opinion against children's independence, which is effectively communicated in your introductory paragraph.
Task Achievement
You provide relevant examples showcasing the risks of independent behavior, such as smoking and excessive gaming, which support your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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