IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that technology has made man more social. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #technology #man
Experts throughout both the developing and developed world have debated whether the advent of sophisticated modern
technology
such
 as mobile phones, laptops and
iPad
Correct your spelling
iPads
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 helped to enhance and improve
people
’s social lives or whether the opposite has become the case. Personally, I strongly advocate the former view.
This
 essay will discuss both sides using examples from the UK government and Oxford University to demonstrate points and prove arguments. On the one
hand
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hand,
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 there is ample, powerful, almost daily evidence that
such
technology
 can be detrimental
especially
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, especially
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 to the younger generation who are more easily affected by
it’s
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its
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 addictive nature
and
Correct word choice
apply
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which can result in
people
 feeling more isolated from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. The central reason behind
this
 is twofold,
firstly
, the invention of online social media sites and apps,
such
 as Twitter and Facebook
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 reduced crucial face-to-face interactions dramatically. Through
use
Add an article
the use
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 of these appealing and attractive mediums,
people
 feel in touch and connected yet lack key social skills and the ability to communicate.
Secondly
, dependence on
such
 devices is built up frighteningly easily which may have a damaging effect on mental health and encourage a sedentary lifestyle.
For example
, recent scientific research by the UK government demonstrated that 90% of
people
 in their 30s spend over 20 hours per week on Messenger and similar applications to chat with their friends
instead
 of meeting up and spending quality time together or doing
sport
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sports
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.
As a result
, it is conclusively clear that these
technology
 advancements have decreased and diminished our
real life
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real-life
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 interactions.
On the other hand
,
although
 there are significant downsides to technological developments, its’ multifold advantages cannot be denied.
This
 is largely because the popularity of
technology
such
 as cellphones allows
people
 to connect freely and easily with no geographical barriers.
People
 are able to share any type of news, information, photos and opinions with their loved ones whenever and wherever they want
therefore
 keeping a feeling of proximity and closeness.
For example
, an extensive study by Oxford University illustrated that
people
 who work, or study abroad and use applications like Facetime and WhatsApp to chat with their families, are less likely to experience loneliness and feel out of the loop than those who do not. Consistent with
this
 line of thinking is that businessmen are
also
 undoubtedly able to benefit from these advances by holding virtual
real -time
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real-time
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 meetings using Skype which may increase the chance of closing business deals without the need to fly. From the arguments and examples given I firmly believe that
overall
 communication and
mans’
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man’s
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 sociability
has been
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have
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 advanced enormously
due to
huge
Correct word choice
apply
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the huge technological progress of the past twenty years and despite some potentially serious health implications which governments should not fail to address, it is predicted that its popularity will continue to flourish in the future.
Submitted by ajaysagar100 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is well laid out with clear distribution of main points and supporting arguments. However, the flow of ideas could be improved to make the essay even more cohesive. An occasional oversimplification may obscure some aspects of the arguments.
task achievement
The essay clearly responds to the task with the main ideas well supported and explained. The writer uses relevant and specific examples to further clarify the main points. However, there is room to ensure the ideas presented are comprehensive, maintaining complexity while also being clear.
lexical resource
The vocabulary is versatile and used appropriately, adding strength to the arguments made. There are good examples of advanced and topic-specific vocabulary. Keep working on this as it adds sophistication to your work.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is varied and in general correctly implemented; there are examples of both simple and complex sentence structures. However, a couple of sentences could be improved for clarity. It is important to continue practicing proper sentence structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social interaction
  • connect
  • communicate
  • video conferencing
  • stay in touch
  • online communities
  • forums
  • like-minded individuals
  • global communication
  • collaboration
  • access to information
  • knowledge
  • bridge the gap
  • social isolation
  • detachment
  • face-to-face communication
  • genuine human connection
  • maintain
  • real-life interactions
  • balance
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