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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table below gives information about students enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant.

The table below gives information about students enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant.
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The table shows information about pupils
Correct pronoun usage
who have
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have
Change the verb form
has
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 applied at Bristol University, depending on
years
Correct article usage
the years
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. The first result is a surge of students enrolled: the number of them climbed slightly from 1928 to 1958,
while
Linking Words
 in the
next
Linking Words
 period was
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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sharply
Change the word
sharp
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 and to peak in
last
Linking Words
 year with 6377 new
freshman
Change to a plural noun
freshmen
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. The percentage of females dropped in the first sector,
whereas
Linking Words
 we can see how there was a rapid increase
of
Change preposition
in
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 it in 2008.
Although
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, it didn't happen the same for the males, in
fact
Add the comma(s)
,fact
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 their percentage point grew from 58% to 68% and
then
Linking Words
, they collapsed to 46% in 2008. Another task is the proportion
between
Change preposition
of
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 pupils
came
Correct pronoun usage
who came
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 from close
Bristol
Change preposition
to Bristol
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 and those from overseas. The first ones plummeted each year, as long as there were fewer points in 2008, unlike the
second
Linking Words
 ones soared and
also
Linking Words
 the number of countries, whence they came from, rocked from 3 to 98.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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