IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The line graph provides information about the percentage of free time
activities
Use synonyms
 of elderly people from 1980 to the present in the United States.
Overall
Linking Words
, At the beginning of the period, Internet surfing was the lowest experienced
activity
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 watching tv was the highest in percentage.
Besides
Linking Words
, the
theatre
Use synonyms
 was the least significant
activity
Use synonyms
 and the most popular
activity
Use synonyms
 was hiking among people. The leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 including reading and
theatre
Use synonyms
 showed variations
except
Add the preposition
forexcept
show examples
 remaining
activities
Use synonyms
 i.e. hiking, watching TV and net surfing.
Initially
Linking Words
, in 1980,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
surfing on the Internet was about 5%, being less used
activity
Use synonyms
 and it steadily increased to 10% and 15% in 1990 and 2000 respectively,
rocketed
Correct word choice
and rocketed
show examples
 to 60% in 2010. The leisure
activity
Use synonyms
 of hiking had
consistent
Add an article
a consistent
show examples
 growth of 20% for each succeeding year during 1980-2010, becoming the highest among other
activities
Use synonyms
 by outracing the 65
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of watching TV which was 60% in the initial year of 1980,
although
Linking Words
 it showed a considerable increase in 2000.
Conversely
Linking Words
, reading
activity
Use synonyms
 increased moderately by 10% in 1990, which was 30% in 1980 but dropped sharply by 20% in 2000, eventually
leaped
Change the spelling
leapt
show examples
 to 40% in 2010 crossing the percentage of
theatre
Use synonyms
activity
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 the highest engaged
activity
Use synonyms
 was
theatre
Use synonyms
(50%) compared to reading
initially
Linking Words
 in 1980, It downgraded in both years 1990 and 2000 with 30% and 40% respectively, experiencing an upward growth of 45% in the present considering the fluctuations among both the above-mentioned
activities
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although, initially".
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, activity, theatre with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "present" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: