IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below
#visits #two #music #sites #web #report #university #lecturer #information
The graph shows people using new
music
 places on the Internet in fifteen days period of time namely personal
choice
 and trendy
pop
music
. The
overall
 trend shows fluctuation with
slight
Correct article usage
a slight
show examples
 Increased towards the end of the period. Starting with
Music
Choice
 websites; 40,000
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 went on
this
 new site on
Correct article usage
the first-day
show examples
first-
Correct your spelling
first day
show examples
day
. Half of them backed out the
next
day
.
In Contrast
 to
this
Pop
 Parade net sites were visited by 120,000
music
 lovers on
day
 one which decreased slightly on the
next
day
thereafter
 regaining the same fame on
3rd
Correct article usage
the 3rd
show examples
day
. After
3rd
Correct article usage
the 3rd
show examples
day
 the enthusiasm for both
music
 lines on Internet dropped slowly- reaching
maximum
Correct article usage
a maximum
show examples
 fall of 40,000 on
7th
Correct article usage
the 7th
show examples
day
.
Whereas
Music
choice
 gained popularity, slightly
Improoving
Correct your spelling
Improving
 to get the original strength of 30,000 viewers on screen, but was getting still
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
visiters
Correct your spelling
visitors
show examples
 than their opponent
Pop
 group i.e. 40,000 on
day
 7.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 the
biegining
Correct your spelling
beginning
signing
 of the
next
week
Add a comma
,week
show examples
 both gained remarkable recovery after a few fluctuations for
8th
Correct article usage
the 8th
show examples
 and 9th
day
 having 40,000 and 50,000
visiters
Correct your spelling
visitors
show examples
 respectively, reaching
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their peaks of one and a half thousand new viewers for
Pop
 Parade on
11th
Correct article usage
the 11th
show examples
day
 showing a contrast of very few people visiting
Music
choice
 for the same
day
.
Thereafter
Music
choice
 gained popularity on
12th
Correct article usage
the 12th
show examples
day
 for having more than 120,000 new
visiters
Correct your spelling
visitors
show examples
 on
web
Add an article
the web
show examples
.
In
Change the preposition
At
show examples
 the end of the
period
Add a comma
,period
show examples
Pop
 sites were visited by maximum viewers of 180,000
whereas
 sites located to
Music
choice
 were not explored by more than 80,000 explorers on the
last
day
 of the report.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "next, thereafter, whereas".
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words music, choice, pop, day with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Music sites
  • Web traffic
  • Number of visits
  • Trend analysis
  • Initial phase
  • Steady increase
  • Fluctuations
  • Significant change
  • Peaks
  • Turning point
  • Growth rate
  • Seasonal variation
  • Comparative analysis
  • Long-term trend
What to do next:
Look at other essays: