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Band 5.5

Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with?

#people #influence #adults #friends
Nowadays there are many different obstacles and possible solutions that
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a strong influence on kids. Some people think that friends play an important role for young adults
while
 others believe that family influences the most on youngsters. Personally, I
sure
Add a missing verb
am sure
show examples
 that immediate family plays a crucial role during younger ages for two reasons.
Firstly
, The major point is that
parents
 help their children in
life
. It is undeniable that there are many problems at school
as well as
 in personal
life
 and development. The most vital aspects are studying and hobbies because they form and define a human as a person.
As a result
, it is easy to notice that
parents
 always want to do the best for their child and provide some assistance in a particular way.
For instance
, helping with homework may encourage a child to do it by himself and to be more confident in the future.
Consequently
, all problems a
kid's
Change noun form
kid
show examples
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
 with his family, so it allows
to
Correct pronoun usage
him to
show examples
 become stronger by overcoming these obstacles.
Secondly
, knowledge and
life
 experience are vital to the character. It is true that from
parents
' children discover the unknown world and build their attitudes and opinions about other things and people.
Thus
,
this
 process defines their habits and passions. In
this
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 good and noble relatives explain and show some basic habits
such
 as brushing
teeth
Correct pronoun usage
their teeth
show examples
 twice a day and,
in addition
, they point out what is good and what is bad.
Finally
, small decisions become actions, actions become habits which make a kid’s way of
life
. To draw to conclusion, I am of the opinion that only relations between children and
parents
 are underlying principles, because they strengthen characters and bring vital information.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Reconsider the structure of the essay to ensure a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Include more specific details and examples to support your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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