IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say industrial growth is necessary to solve poverty, while some believe it should be stopped due to environmental problem it creates. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Over the years, industrial production has risen to cater
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 needs of a growing population across the globe. Some believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it has helped in reducing poverty owing to the large number of employment opportunities it creates,
while
Linking Words
 few think industrial activities have affected the environment through various types of
pollutions
Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
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. The Industrial sector has contributed a lot
of
Change preposition
to
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labour
Correct article usage
the labour
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 market.
Firstly
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, preference is given to locals
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 cuts down the unemployment rate of a country.
Secondly
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, people with limited skills and less education can
also
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 work with these industries by doing physical labour
work
Check wording
apply
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.
Thirdly
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, skilled people do not have to leave their home country in search of jobs.
Lastly
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, wages are paid to everyone as per government rules,
thus
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 removing room for any labour exploitation.
For instance
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,
France
Replace the word
the French
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 government has made it compulsory for new businesses to hire 45% of their local staff in order to strike a perfect balance in their economic and public welfare.
Therefore
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, flourishing industries tend to contribute to the growth of locals and the country's economy
On the other hand
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, it is widely believed that heavy commercial activities
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 disturbed our surroundings. Toxic gases emitted from these factories are
root
Correct article usage
the root
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 cause of air pollution. Waste chemicals are released into water bodies
depleting
Punctuation problem
, depleting
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 the quality of water and affecting our marine wealth considerably.
Number
Correct article usage
The number
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 of trees
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 cut down, for these units to set up in the outskirts of the city.
For example
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, the city of Shanghai had to shut all their factories for a day in order to reduce the toxic fog created
due to
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 air emissions from them.
Hence
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, it is evident that these industrial activities play a pivotal role in harming our habitat
through
Change preposition
in
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 numerous ways. In my opinion, our atmosphere is widely affected
due to
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 industrial growth.
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it prospers an individual by providing wages to fulfil their basic needs, it
also
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 puts their life at stake by exposing them to
such
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hazardous
Correct article usage
a hazardous
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 ecosystem. Local councils should approve
Correct article usage
the constructions
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constructions
Fix the agreement mistake
construction
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 of
such
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 units
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 only after analysing their waste disposal system and recycling process. Periodic and surprise audits should be carried out by officials to ascertain any
wrong doings
Use the right word
wrongdoing
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 that can harm our ecosystem. Over the course of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time, our ecosystem will not remain a place to survive for our future generations.
To conclude
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,
although
Linking Words
 industries provide livelihood for locals,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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also
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affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
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environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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 they live in to a great extent. Currently, the whole world is facing environmental degradation
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is crucial for countries to unite and bring about some universal industrial
practises
Use the right word
practices
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 which not only
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
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 citizens but
also
Linking Words
takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
show examples
 care of our environment.

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task response
Make your view clear in the end. Say which side you most agree with and add more detail to that point.
coherence
Use clear link words to join ideas. Start a new idea with a guide word so the reader can follow.
coherence
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and add a little detail to show how it works.
language
Check small word use, like pollution, not pollutions. use correct form and spell common words well.
style
Use short, simple sentences. Avoid long, hard lines. Short and simple is easier to read.
content
The essay shows both sides and adds a personal view.
example
The writer gives real examples like the France rule and Shanghai for pollution.
structure
The flow moves from good to bad to plan, helping the reader follow the idea.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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