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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to Ashdown Museum during the year before and the year after it was refurbished. The charts show the results of surveys asking visitors how satisfied they were with their visit, during the same to periods. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to Ashdown Museum during the year before and the year after it was refurbished. The charts show the results of surveys asking visitors how satisfied they were with their visit, during the same to periods. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#numbers #visitors #ashdown #museum #year #show #results #surveys #visit #periods #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The table given illustrates the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of the
overall
Linking Words
 population visiting the Ashdown
musuem
Correct your spelling
museum
 before and after the refurbishment of the
museum
Use synonyms
. The two pie charts provide insight into the results of the survey that portrays the satisfaction of the visitors of the
museum
Use synonyms
 during the same two periods.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
visting
Correct your spelling
visiting
 the
museum
Use synonyms
 after the renovation rose drastically. The results of the survey indicate a major increase in
people
Use synonyms
 who were very satisfied and a dramatic decrease in the
people
Use synonyms
 who were dissatisfied. The revamp of the
museum
Use synonyms
 resulted in an increase of 18,000
people
Use synonyms
 as the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 visiting the
museum
Use synonyms
 before the refurbishment was 74,000 and it transformed to a striking 92,000
people
Use synonyms
 afterwards. The pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 a clear rise in the satisfaction of the
people
Use synonyms
. 20 more
people
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 were satisfied
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
when they visited the
museum
Use synonyms
 after the renovation and a surprising 35
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 were dissatisfied
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the same.
Also
Linking Words
 noteworthy is the fact that even after the renovation of the
museum
Use synonyms
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who gave no response in the survey remained the same.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, museum, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrates" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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