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Writing Samples
Band 4

TOPIC 2: Because of religious beliefs, some people reject to serving people, while the others believe that no one has rights to reject serving someone. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Some religious extremists deny serving the philosophy-opposed
people
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 the radical
people
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 believe everyone should receive treatment equally.
Although
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people
Use synonyms
 have the liberty of religious expression,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others
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also
Linking Words
 have
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the rights
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to receive the identical services. Neither of someone’s
rights
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 superior
than
Change preposition
to
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 the
others
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. The religious liberty
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is one of the basic
rights
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 of each
human
Punctuation problem
human,
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 should be expressed freely. Everyone
owns
Verb problem
has
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Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the rights
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to choose the philosophy to believe
equally
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in equally
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 without any intervention
and
Correct word choice
or
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judgements
Replace the word
judgment
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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 are manifestly accepted to behave based on their religious principles as long as these
behaviors
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behaviours
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 do not violate
to
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apply
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the law. Ultimately, if someone tries to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from pursuing their justifiably religious desire, it will violate
the
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apply
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personal freedom and
the
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apply
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human
rights
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.
In contrast
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, the
others
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also
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 own the
rights
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 to receive the appropriate treatment as equal
as
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to
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 the religious-freed
people
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 and these
rights
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 may generate a better scenario for the whole economy. As
any
Change preposition
with any
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rights
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, the
Use synonyms
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to be served equally
on
Change preposition
for
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 everyone is reasonable.
Additionally
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, the discrimination among customer segments may
make
Verb problem
lead
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the
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apply
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people
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 or firms
face to
Correct word order
to face
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 public protests
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 that these entities
afterward
Rephrase
apply
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will be isolated
out of
Change preposition
from
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 society gradually.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
profit
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the profit
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 of these companies
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is essential for
Replace the word
survival
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surviving
Punctuation problem
surviving,
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 will end up with
the
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apply
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catastrophic
sliding
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consequences
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. More companies are turned on by its customers, more detrimental effects economy will suffer. Generally,
the
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apply
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religious liberty and the equal-served
rights
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 have to be treated respectfully and identically.
People
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 will be selfish
,
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apply
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 if they
too concentrate
Correct word order
concentrate too
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 on their religious freedom to ignore the
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the religious extremists should
also
Linking Words
 contemplate the costs that they may
receive
Verb problem
face
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 between discrimination and equality in the treatment towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others
Use synonyms
.

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task response
For task response, add a clear view and more real examples to back each point.
coherence cohesion
Use a clear plan: intro, body with both sides, then a short conclusion. Use simple linking words to move from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the intro and the conclusion are easy to see: a short intro that states what you will say and a short ending that restates your view.
coherence cohesion
Add more points for each side and back them with small facts or simple examples.
task response
Give more clear examples that show the effect on people or on life.
content
You try to talk on both sides of the issue.
structure
You use linking words like 'in contrast' and 'generally' to show ideas.
position
You end with a view that is clear.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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