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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the post-school qualifications held by Australians in the age groups 25 to 34 and 55 to 69.

The graphs below show the post-school qualifications held by Australians in the age groups 25 to 34 and 55 to 69.
#graphs #show #post-school #qualifications #australians #age #groups
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The pie chart illustrates the various age groups of Australians who hold a post-school qualification and
also
Linking Words
 their main field of study in percentages respectively.
Overall
Linking Words
, in both the ages social sciences and arts were the highest
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 the minimum percentage of them are qualified in administration, architecture and other. The Australians of age 25-34
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
Correct article usage
a totally
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totally
Replace the word
total
show examples
357,500
Change preposition
of 357,500
show examples
, out of which 19.48% of them chose Social science and Arts.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who opted for Administration and Science, Maths,
Information
Correct word choice
and Information
show examples
 Technology were 19.08% and 18.19%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the combined percentage of Education and Engineering is 24.12%,
while
Linking Words
 those having medicine and law degrees are 7.40% and 5.54%.
Finally
Linking Words
, students who acquired qualifications in Others, Veterinary and Agriculture and
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Architecture were 2.24%, 2.10% and 1.85%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who hold a degree between the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 55-69
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
totally 104,800.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who gained a degree in social sciences, arts and engineering were the highest with 20.42% and 19.27% respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who graduated in administration and education were 14.90% and 13.17%,
while
Linking Words
 the combined percentage of medicine and science, maths graduates
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 21.46%.
Finally
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who are qualified in law, architecture, other and veterinary, agriculture are 3.34%, 2.96%, 2.48% and 2%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally, however, moreover, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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