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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people the best way to build a happier society is to ensure there are only small differences between the rich and the poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As is known, these days, a majority of countries suffer from less
happier
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happy
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community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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.
Therefore
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, some suggest that it is considerably crucial for countries to fill the gap between wealthy and impoverished
people
Use synonyms
. I somewhat agree with the above-mentioned idea as the arguments for and against it are equal.
This
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 essay will discuss some reasons
of
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for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue. The major reason why I think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments should not discriminate among their population is because
people
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 may not have self-confidence in
this
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 regard. To be more specific, the authorities might build
free of charge
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free-of-charge
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 schools which are used by both poor and rich students in order
to
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for to
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 children
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not feel any discrepancy between them.
This
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 education may help
people
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 to find an efficient position in work life,
as a result
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 of which they can have a stable revenue.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the distinction between the poor and the rich can vanish. Another convincing argument is that as I have mentioned before
the
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apply
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jurisdictions play a vital role in
people
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's
life
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lives
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.
That is
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 to say, they might make
people
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 at the same level.
For instance
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, free hospitals can be built, and
people
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 may be provided with the free treatments which are required
from
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of
show examples
 them.
Furthermore
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, intellectual, but poor
people
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 might be equipped with a well-paid job which is the opportunity for them to work with the rich together. By way of conclusion, considering
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
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 arguments, I somehow agree that if all
people
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 have self-satisfaction,
this
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 society can be the happiest one. I hope that all governments ought to do a variety of reforms so as to remove discrimination between
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Ensure that your position is clearly expressed and consistently maintained throughout the essay. Clarify your level of agreement or disagreement more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied linking phrases to improve the flow of your argument. This helps to connect your ideas more effectively and enhance coherence.
task achievement
In your examples, try to include specific data or studies to strengthen your arguments. This makes your points more compelling and relevant.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear perspective, indicating your agreement with the idea of reducing the gap between the rich and poor.
task achievement
You provided some relevant examples regarding education and healthcare, which support your argument well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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