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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some say that people working in different job roles should get different amount of holiday time. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

It is an irrefutable fact that holiday plays a crucial role in one's life.
Few
Correct article usage
A few
show examples
 individuals
propound
Verb problem
argue
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 that the amount of holiday
time
Use synonyms
 should be varied depending on the roles of
people
Use synonyms
. I am in complete agreement with the statement because of the reason that
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 in extreme
state
Check wording
conditions
show examples
 should get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
more amount of
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
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 and the
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
daily jobs should be given a week
based
Verb problem
apply
show examples
off. To start with,
People
Use synonyms
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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who
work
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 in
diversely
Replace the word
severely
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severe
Correct word choice
adverse
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 conditions, which are
utterly endemic
Correct word choice
inherent
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 to their role,
such
Linking Words
 as adverse climate, remote locations, and extremely dangerous
Check wording
environments
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tropics
Punctuation problem
tropics,
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 should be given a higher amount of
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
show examples
.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, these
people
Use synonyms
 who ought to spend several months at a stretch without taking any
day-off
Use the right word
day off
show examples
 had to be credited with a
quarter-off
Use the right word
quarter off
show examples
 based on their interest.
In addition
Linking Words
, these long holidays will certainly help these
people
Use synonyms
 to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with their family, friends, and relatives
;
Punctuation problem
,
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 and
also
Linking Words
 to rejuvenate themselves for continuing their assignments
further
Linking Words
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
2017
Punctuation problem
2017,
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 Japan introduced a three-month break period for their armed forces
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 resulted in better
work
Use synonyms
-life balance and harmony among them. Another reason for my opinion is that the desk-based job
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as teachers, computer engineers, doctors, and office assistants, who undertake the job day-in and day-out tirelessly with enormous continuity,
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 to be given a
weekly-off
Use the right word
weekly off
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 in a year.
In other words
Linking Words
, these
people
Use synonyms
 had to go through strenuous working hours in a
week
Punctuation problem
week,
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 are often
falling
Wrong verb form
fell
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 ill
due to
Linking Words
 the reason that they could not find enough holiday
time
Use synonyms
 to spend
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
on vacations. Not unless the governments announce a desired
week-off
Use the right word
week off
show examples
 for all those working individuals
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 should they expect efficient productivity from these
working class
Use the right word
working-class
show examples
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I agree that it is pivotal for
working class
Use the right word
working-class
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to get different
vacation
Fix the agreement mistake
vacations
show examples
off
Rephrase
apply
show examples
based on their
work
Use synonyms
 activities.
As these
Change preposition
These
show examples
 holidays are proving to be key for their well-being and
also
Linking Words
 better productivity in their performance.

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improvement
Your plan is clear, but some ideas are not well enough shown. Try to add one or two real life examples from yourself and explain how they show your point.
improvement
Use short, clear sentences. Break long lines into two. Each paragraph should have one main idea that links to the next.
improvement
Group similar ideas. Start with a short topic sentence in each paragraph and end with a quick wrap up.
strength
Clear position is stated; you take a clear side in the topic.
strength
There are examples to show your point, such as the Japan case.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • equality
  • discrimination
  • mental well-being
  • productivity
  • stressful
  • demanding
  • burnout
  • overtime
  • on-call
  • compensation
  • holiday entitlement
  • work-life balance
  • flexible arrangements
  • negotiate
  • job demands
What to do next:
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