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Band 5.5

It is important to give children a possibility to act independently and make their own decisions from early age. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?

#children #possibility #act #decisions #age #idea
Theses
Correct your spelling
These
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 days, more and more parents try to give their children enough space to make their own choices. I totally agree with
this
 way in which children can learn how to be independent in their childhood. In fact, no matter who you are and what status your family has, independence is an inevitable lesson in your life.
Furthermore
, the earlier
the
Correct article usage
apply
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teenagers start to make their own decisions, the more likely they
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 have a successful career. All people around us will leave
one
 day,
thus
 no
one
 can be reliable forever except ourselves.
If you
Correct word choice
You
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 don’t want to see your child stuck
into
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in
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entire
Correct article usage
an entire
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 panic
,
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apply
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 when no
one
 help them choose what they should do. The best way is training them to be an independent person.
Consequently
, they have their own views on what is right and wrong.
However
, there are some worries about
this
 type of education mindset. Some of us believe that the world is so vicious that it is not appropriate to force youngsters to identify their future paths in
hostile
Add an article
a hostile
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 society. They should be given more
securities
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security
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 and guidelines until they are mature enough to
do
Verb problem
make
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 their own choices. For
this
 aspect, there are many negative examples. When younger people
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
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 to make
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right decision because of
lack
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a lack
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 of experience and guidelines, they
would
Verb problem
apply
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feel frustrated and vulnerable.
As a result
, some of them may doubt
about
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apply
show examples
their ability and blame themselves overly.
In addition
, it’s
also
 a kind of
waste
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a waste
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 of time and resources that let people figure out what to do by themselves
in
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at
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their
Change the word
an
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 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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 when someone can make a smarter choice for them. All in all, no
one
 is wrong on
this
 topic. Personally, I tend to support the former view because I think parents should be more confident about their children. They can voice
for
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apply
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their own life
Change preposition
at in
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early age with the help of
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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.
Submitted by gyinghunan on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay should facilitate clear understanding rather than causing confusion. While presenting contrasting views, make sure to avoid too many complex sentence structures which tend to confuse the reader. Simplify the sentence structure while maintaining logical connection among ideas.
task achievement
Although the essay fully answers the task, the ideas could be clearer and more easily comprehensible to the reader. Develop comprehensive ideas which are clearly related to the topic, instead of abruptly shifting from one idea to another. Break down complex ideas into simpler thoughts with clear connections before progressing to the next idea.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples directly support your main points. Rather than simply stating an idea, provide a detailed explanation or an example to demonstrate your point. This will make your ideas more convincing and easy to understand.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has an introduction and conclusion, they could be better connected to each other and to the main body of the essay. Make sure your introduction introduces the topic and your stance on it clearly. As for the conclusion, it should not only sum up your discussed points, but also state your final opinion on the issue or suggest a solution.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • autonomy
  • empower
  • nurture
  • authority
  • guidance
  • mentor
  • self-reliance
  • resourcefulness
  • initiative
  • innovation
  • responsibility
  • adulthood
  • independent thinking
  • critical thinking
  • obligations
  • achievement
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