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Band 5

In many cities, many people are living in large apartment blocks. Does this accommodation have more advantages or disadvantages?

#cities #people #apartment #blocks #accommodation
It is generally accepted that the lifestyle of
people
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed drastically over the years.
Hence
,
tendency
Add an article
the tendency
show examples
of shifting
Change preposition
to shift
show examples
 more towards the cities and living in large apartments has become
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
show examples
 noticeable matter. I personally believe leading our lives in apartments
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to have more demerits.
To begin
 with,
people
 who share a big house are claimed to have less space compared with the other who lives in
single
Add an article
a single
show examples
 home that does not allow their children to explore.
Moreover
, living in an apartment does not let
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 lead a peaceful life as they hardly get a calm environment which
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 mental pressure.
For example
, a study conducted by the Statistical Analysis Department at the University of New Hampshire on the mental growth of
people
 living in Hampshire
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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showed
people
 living in a remote area in a calm environment have more mental strengths than
the
Correct your spelling
those
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who share
large
Add an article
a large
show examples
 house with others. What is more, staying in a shared apartment comes
along
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with some security issues like getting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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things
stole
Wrong verb form
stolen
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 since
people
 live with others. Wall Street
journal
Capitalize word
Journal
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 conducted a survey on how
people
 deal with security issues in New York
city
Capitalize word
City
show examples
 and the survey revealed that about 70%
citizens
Change preposition
of citizens
show examples
 are satisfied with safety issues who
doesn’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
don’t
show examples
 share
house
Correct article usage
a house
show examples
.
On the other hand
, living in a block apartment allows them to be more social as they can
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in meetings arranged by them.
In addition
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, they remain in contact with one another
consequently
 if one falls in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
danger, they can immediately receive help in their emergency cases.
To sum up
, sharing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large home has some perceived benefits, but getting
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 space, strong security or having the chance
of exploring
Change preposition
to explore
show examples
Add an article
the need
show examples
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 to be prioritised when making the decision on where to live.
Submitted by sajjadrony86 on

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task achievement
For a higher score, ensure each point made is well developed with comprehensive ideas and details.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence of the essay by ensuring each sentence logically follows the previous one, with clear connections between all parts of the essay.
task achievement
Strengthen main points with additional examples and details to improve clarity and support of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay effectively introduces the topic and concludes with a clear opinion about living in large apartment blocks.
task achievement
You provided specific examples and evidence to support your arguments, such as the studies you mentioned.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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