IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The world is developing faster than before.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, being skilful is essential for both men and women. In
this
Linking Words
 regard, some people believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
males are more competitive than
females
Use synonyms
, as they are physically strong and can pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one task, observing the process more deeply.
However
Linking Words
, others feel that nowadays, women can succeed in many fields, as they are organized and good at multitasking. On the one hand, it is true that men are physically stronger,
this
Linking Words
 ability can help them to be competitive in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physically demanding jobs
such
Linking Words
 as mining, construction and agriculture.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, they can succeed in these spheres more easily than their counterpart.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they are able to focus on the task more deeply than their counterpart. To illustrate, many of them are good at
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
certain professions and spheres,
whereas
Linking Words
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
rival
Correct subject-verb agreement
rivals
show examples
 can be productive
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 multitasking.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, they cannot pay all their attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the ongoing process.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 advanced technologies, the world is developing fast.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, many types of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs are disappearing, especially, the occupations
which are
Verb problem
that
show examples
depends
Wrong verb form
depend
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical strength.
Consequently
Linking Words
, these changes can improve the situation for
females
Use synonyms
, as their abilities and capabilities will be more valued than males.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they are good at multitasking, and because of
this
Linking Words
 skill, they can become more demanding.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are many types of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs, which are related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
multitasking,
such
Linking Words
 as administrative
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and leadership.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
females
Use synonyms
 can be productive in these areas. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 many people
reckon to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
think that males are naturally more competitive than
females
Use synonyms
, others feel that the world is developing faster than before, and in the near future, women can use their full potential.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will become more demanding than their counterpart.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt and presents both sides of the argument effectively. However, the analysis could be more balanced and address the nuances of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a clear logical structure, and the introduction and conclusion are well-presented. However, the supporting examples and arguments could be better connected to improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: