IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In Some Countries An Increasing Number Of People Are Suffering From Health Problems As A Result Of Eating Too Much Fast Food

#countries #people #health #food
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In these
Change preposition
These
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 days, there is a fact that the number of
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
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health
Use synonyms
 issues because of overusing junk
food
Use synonyms
 is increasing.
Hence
Linking Words
, some
people
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 believe that the authorities should enact a higher tax
for
Change preposition
on
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 these kinds of
food
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. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint because it will help to decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
’s demand
on
Change preposition
for
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 fast
food
Use synonyms
 and it
also
Linking Words
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
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people
Use synonyms
cooking
Change the verb form
to cook
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healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 meal at
home
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, taxing higher on processed
food
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 will
make
Verb problem
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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decrease
in
Change preposition
apply
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the demand of
people
Use synonyms
 for fast
food
Use synonyms
. Obviously, when the amount of junk
food
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 consumption decreases, the
health
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 of
people
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 eating fast
food
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 will
gets
Change the verb form
get
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 much better. Take cigarettes as an example, since it has been taxed higher, the enterprises who
produces
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produce
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this
Linking Words
 kind of item had to increase the price.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the need
of buying
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to buy
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 cigarettes fell remarkably and the
health
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 of the
people
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 who
smokes
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smoke
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 cigarettes improved.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it will encourage
people
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cook
Add the particle
to cook
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 healthy dishes.
Because when
Correct word choice
When
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 the price of processed
food
Use synonyms
 gets much higher,
people
Use synonyms
 will be limited
their
Change preposition
in their
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 choices so they will choose
cooking
Change the verb form
to cook
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 at
home
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, it will bring back for their
health
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 many benefits.
For example
Linking Words
, hamburgers,
fried
Correct word choice
and fried
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chickens
Fix the agreement mistake
chicken
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 from
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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 stores were always my choice for lunch at my school because it was so cheap. But if the government impose a higher tax on
this
Linking Words
food
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 and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 it unaffordable for me, I’ll consider
about cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
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 at
home
Use synonyms
. Because the main reason I choose it is cheap. And maybe thanks to cooking at
home
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, I can lose
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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weight and improve my
health
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. In conclusion, I completely agree with increasing
tax
Correct article usage
the tax
show examples
 on fast
food
Use synonyms
, because it will decrease the demand of
people
Use synonyms
 on junk
food
Use synonyms
 and will encourage
people
Use synonyms
cook
Add the particle
to cook
show examples
 at
home
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it will improve
people
Use synonyms
’s
health
Use synonyms

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Content and Language
Avoid repetitiveness. For instance, you mention 'people’s demand on fast food' twice in the conclusion. Try to vary your vocabulary and phrases to communicate your points more effectively.
Grammar
Consider improving your grammar. For instance, 'the number of people have health issues’ should be 'the number of people who have health issues'.
Expression
Be aware of some awkward expressions. For example, 'it will bring back for their health many benefits' can be more naturally phrased as 'it will bring many health benefits back to them'.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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