In Some Countries An Increasing Number Of People Are Suffering From Health Problems As A Result Of Eating Too Much Fast Food

In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
days, there is a fact that the number of
people
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
health
issues because of overusing junk
food
is increasing.
Hence
, some
people
believe that the authorities should enact a higher tax
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
these kinds of
food
. I totally agree with
this
viewpoint because it will help to decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
’s demand
on
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for
show examples
fast
food
and it
also
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
people
cooking
Change the verb form
to cook
show examples
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
meal at
home
.
To begin
with, taxing higher on processed
food
will
make
Verb problem
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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decrease
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the demand of
people
for fast
food
. Obviously, when the amount of junk
food
consumption decreases, the
health
of
people
eating fast
food
will
gets
Change the verb form
get
show examples
much better. Take cigarettes as an example, since it has been taxed higher, the enterprises who
produces
Change the verb form
produce
show examples
this
kind of item had to increase the price.
Therefore
, the need
of buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
cigarettes fell remarkably and the
health
of the
people
who
smokes
Change the verb form
smoke
show examples
cigarettes improved.
Secondly
, it will encourage
people
cook
Add the particle
to cook
show examples
healthy dishes.
Because when
Correct word choice
When
show examples
the price of processed
food
gets much higher,
people
will be limited
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
choices so they will choose
cooking
Change the verb form
to cook
show examples
at
home
.
As a result
, it will bring back for their
health
many benefits.
For example
, hamburgers,
fried
Correct word choice
and fried
show examples
chickens
Fix the agreement mistake
chicken
show examples
from
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
show examples
stores were always my choice for lunch at my school because it was so cheap. But if the government impose a higher tax on
this
food
and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
it unaffordable for me, I’ll consider
about cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
show examples
at
home
. Because the main reason I choose it is cheap. And maybe thanks to cooking at
home
, I can lose
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
weight and improve my
health
. In conclusion, I completely agree with increasing
tax
Correct article usage
the tax
show examples
on fast
food
, because it will decrease the demand of
people
on junk
food
and will encourage
people
cook
Add the particle
to cook
show examples
at
home
.
Thus
, it will improve
people
’s
health

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Content and Language
Avoid repetitiveness. For instance, you mention 'people’s demand on fast food' twice in the conclusion. Try to vary your vocabulary and phrases to communicate your points more effectively.
Grammar
Consider improving your grammar. For instance, 'the number of people have health issues’ should be 'the number of people who have health issues'.
Expression
Be aware of some awkward expressions. For example, 'it will bring back for their health many benefits' can be more naturally phrased as 'it will bring many health benefits back to them'.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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