IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More young people in the workforce change their jobs or careers every few years. What are the reasons for this? Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

#people #workforce #change #jobs #careers #years
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It is argued that young
people
 are more likely to change their careers every few years.
This
 is because they want to acquire more
experience
 in their young age period.
This
 essay argues that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages because
this
 behaviour prevents them from becoming
expert
Fix the agreement mistake
experts
show examples
 and achieving career promotions. The main reason why young
people
 tend to change their
jobs
 is getting more
experience
.
In other words
, when they move from one company to another, they will
experience
 different tasks and work environments that may enrich their perspective. They might argue that these experiences would bring them to a better job in the future.
However
, changing
jobs
 frequently poses some drawbacks, especially if it is difficult for them to become expert.
For instance
, there are many graduated students who work as teachers in middle schools.
However
, after a few years, they move to other works
such
 as waiters or even journalists in newspapers.
As a result
, it is difficult for them to become seasoned workers as they alter their
jobs
 frequently. How they can be professional teachers if they can easily move to other
jobs
? In fact, to become an expert needs years of
experience
. Another disadvantage related to
this
 is no career promotion. In many national and multinational manufacturers, they will promote their workers because of their loyalty and professionalism. When young
people
 choose to not stay in the same workplace, it is impossible for them to get a promotion,
such
 as becoming supervisors or executives, which means that they will receive a better position and better salary compared to ordinary workers.
Therefore
, it is crucial to consider staying in the same workplace as they have the potential to get
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
 promotion. In conclusion, even though altering
jobs
 may enrich young
people
's
experience
 in terms of the workforce,
this
 behaviour poses more disadvantages rather than merits.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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task response
Present balanced arguments mentioning the advantages and disadvantages in equal measure to achieve a more comprehensive response.
coherence and cohesion
Improve logical connections between paragraphs to create a more seamless flow of ideas.
task response
Include more specific and varied examples to strengthen the overall argument.
coherence and cohesion
Introduce cohesive devices to improve clarity and transition between points and ideas.
task response
Add further explanation to each point to make the arguments more robust and compelling.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which bookends the arguments effectively.
task response
The main points are relevant to the topic and provide a fair discussion on the dilemmas young employees face.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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