IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think competitive sports, such as football, are valuable because they can gather people with different ages and culture together. Some think it can cause problems because people are from different groups and countries. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is often argued by some that physical activities like cricket,
hockey
Correct word choice
and hockey
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 are beneficial as they can unite people irrespective of their ages and traditions,
while
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 others believe that it will create issues because of the populace from different nations and teams. Whilst a discussion of both these views is worthwhile, I am a supporter of the former view. On the one hand, competing with other teams or
countries
Use synonyms
 in games will aid
to develop
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in developing
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 a healthy relationship with them.
In other words
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, people participating in the competition or sports help them to interact and play with other groups which will enhance the
team
Use synonyms
 spirit between
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then
Correct your spelling
them
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.
For example
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, football is played as a
team
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 game which brings priceless competition between two or more
countries
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 and
build
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builds
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 bonding with the
team
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 and its culture. In my opinion, I believe organising
such
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 events in the country will help to maintain the connection and treasure the talents of the groups.
On the other hand
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,
according to
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 some opposing the rivals will cause
menace
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a menace
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 to the society as
wel
Correct your spelling
well
 as the groups by ending up the competition in to fight between two
countries
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.
That is
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 to say that
instead
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 of treating the games as a recreational activity they will turn
in to
Correct your spelling
into
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 a war between the nations.
For instance
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, Cricket is played in most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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countries
Use synonyms
, but when India and Pakistan play the match it will become
war
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a war
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 between them rather than considering it as a game.
However
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, I do not support
this
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notiion
Correct your spelling
notion
 because
team
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 play will bring the talents of the people and their coordination which will connect the nation rather than creating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problems. In conclusion,
although
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 it is believed by some that competitive sports will create
fight
Add an article
a fight
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 between two
countries
Use synonyms
, I reiterate that it will improve the network and value their culture and capability of handling the activity.

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear opinion and discusses both views. There is room for improvement in addressing the complexity of the issue and offering a more balanced discussion of the views.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is a need for better organization of ideas within paragraphs and improved use of cohesive devices to enhance coherence.
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