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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.
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The chart illustrates
water
Use synonyms
 percentage used in six regions of the world for various objectives
such
Linking Words
 as Industrial, Agricultural and Domestic.
Overall
Linking Words
, in Africa, Central
Asia
Use synonyms
, South East
Asia
Use synonyms
 and South
America
Use synonyms
water
Use synonyms
 consumption is more for Agricultural uses,
while
Linking Words
North
Change preposition
in North
show examples
America
Use synonyms
 and Europe
water
Use synonyms
utilized
Add a missing verb
is utilized
show examples
 for Industrial uses. The lowest percentage
usage
Use synonyms
 for Domestic. Looking at the information more specifically in South
America
Use synonyms
 percentage of
water
Use synonyms
 utilized for Agricultural was 71%,
while
Linking Words
 North
America
Use synonyms
 and Europe utilized 39% and 53% respectively for Agricultural.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 the
usage
Use synonyms
 of
water
Use synonyms
 for Domestic
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 was less than 20% in all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
three countries.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
usage
Use synonyms
 of
water
Use synonyms
 for Industrial
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 was more in North
America
Use synonyms
 and Europe with 48% and 53% respectively
while
Linking Words
South
Change preposition
in South
show examples
America
Use synonyms
 it is only 10%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
water
Use synonyms
 utilization in Africa, Central and South East
Asia
Use synonyms
 for Agricultural more than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two objectives, 84%, 88% 81% respectively.
Although
Linking Words
 less than 10% of
water
Use synonyms
 is put to use for Domestic use
also
Linking Words
 the
usage
Use synonyms
 of
water
Use synonyms
 in Africa, Central
Asia
Use synonyms
 and South East
Asia
Use synonyms
 for industrial use was less than 15%, 7%, 5%,
12
Correct word choice
and 12
show examples
% respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, asia, america, usage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumption
  • irrigation
  • domestic
  • industrial
  • regional disparity
  • economic structure
  • sustainable management
  • water-scarce
  • population density
  • urbanization
  • data trends
  • resource allocation
  • percentage distribution
  • extremes
  • variations
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