IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

It is undoubtedly true that the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of obese
people
Use synonyms
 has increased
than
Change preposition
in
show examples
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 when
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very few
people
Use synonyms
 suffered
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
this
Linking Words
 epidemic.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain the reasons and describe
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 impact on a person's health and work performance. There are enormous causes of the
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 amount of overweight
people
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, the most important one is an inactive lifestyle. Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 totally depend on cars
instead
Linking Words
 of walking even for shorter
distance
Fix the agreement mistake
distances
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 they may not prefer to do work which demands physical
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in burning
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 calories and gaining weight.
Moreover
Linking Words
, consumption of
ready- made
Add a hyphen
ready-made
show examples
 has increased.
Due to
Linking Words
busy
Correct pronoun usage
their busy
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schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 consume processed food, which consists
higher
Change preposition
of higher
show examples
 fat calories. Consuming higher calories on a regular basis means increasing fat in the body. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
these are two main factors in overweight. The possible effects of
this
Linking Words
 problem include health problems and loss of productivity. Obesity results in incorrect body functioning and
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to
develop
Replace the word
the development of
show examples
 chronic diseases.
For example
Linking Words
, as body fat percentage,
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
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, the metabolism worsens. Which become the cause of diabetes and heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, overweight
people
Use synonyms
 are very unhealthy and suffer from stress and tiredness.
This
Linking Words
 not only
lessen
Change the verb form
lessens
show examples
 their capacity
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
performance
Correct pronoun usage
their performance
show examples
 and productivity. It,
for instance
Linking Words
, has been proven that an obese person needs a lot of
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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 to complete some work than
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 with normal weight. In conclusion, obesity has become a serious issue and many
people
Use synonyms
 are affected by
this
Linking Words
. I think that it
mainly
Add a missing verb
is mainly
show examples
 caused by inactive lifestyles and consumption of fast food which leads to health problems and loss of productivity.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples and details to support your claims, particularly in the second body paragraph regarding health issues and productivity.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. You can achieve this by using more linking words and phrases to connect your thoughts.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the clarity of your writing by avoiding minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which can distract from your overall message.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both the causes and effects of obesity, showing a solid understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion provide a clear framework for your essay, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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