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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about student enrolments at Manchester University in 1937, 1967 and 2017. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. --DELETED LINK--

The table below gives information about student enrolments at Manchester University in 1937, 1967 and 2017. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. --DELETED LINK--
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The table shows the structure of student
enrolments
Use synonyms
 in 1937, 1967 and 2017. Taking the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of students first, there was
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
very significant growth. The
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
enrolments
Use synonyms
 in 2017 got almost 20 times higher than in 1937. 
Overall
Linking Words
,
however
Linking Words
,
finally
Linking Words
, reaching,
moreover
Linking Words
, what else. Turning to gender variation
females
Change noun form
females'
female's
show examples
enrolments
Use synonyms
 percentage decreased between 1937 and 1967 from 45% to 35% only to go up to 55% in 2017. 
However
Linking Words
, the biggest change was noticed in the percentage of students living within 50 miles of Manchester. During those 80 years, it dramatically went down from 55% to only 1-2%.  It is closely connected to other data presented in the table -
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
a percentage
show examples
 of overseas
enrolments
Use synonyms
. Even though between 1937 and 1967 the growth was hardly noticeable, it boosted in another 40 years, making 32% in 2017.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of countries got much bigger as well. Starting with 4 in 1937, reaching 26 in 1967 only to grow much more significantly -
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 102 in 2017.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words enrolments with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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