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Band 4.5

Consumer goods have become the most important part of people’s lives. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#consumer #goods #part #people’s #lives
The issue
whether
Change preposition
of whether
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consumerism
 that has become part and parcel of
people
’s life could usher more positive or negative impact is certainly a contentious one. Even though a consumerist society might be a major contributor to
accumulation
Correct article usage
the accumulation
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 of
litters
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litter
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 and
materialistic
Correct article usage
a materialistic
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 attitude, I firmly believe that
yielding
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by yielding
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 more job opportunities,
consumerism
 could bring enhancement
in
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apply
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the quality of individuals’
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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. On the one hand,
consumerism
 can boost infrastructure
as well as
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
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people
’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 by
acquisition
Correct article usage
the acquisition
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 of novel goods and
industrial
Correct article usage
the industrial
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 revolution. To be more precise, with
an
Correct article usage
the
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 advent of modernistic gadgets international communication in terms of trade and political relationships
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 been greatly revolutionized and made affordable.
For instance
, with an eye to keeping in touch with
loved-ones
Correct your spelling
loved ones
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 or business partners,
people
 can just utilize their mobile phones by instant messaging or video conferencing in a fraction of
Correct article usage
a minutes
show examples
minutes
Fix the agreement mistake
minute
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 and the cost as well.
In addition
 to
this
, mass production and consumption could create more job vacancies by virtue of new domestic enterprise startups and competition amongst them.
Hence
, the far better purchasing abilities consumers have, the more convenient the way
of
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apply
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people
 live will be.
On the other hand
, unnecessary consumption might lead to much more contamination as the majority of consumers in sophisticated states have become accustomed to
throw-away
Add an article
the throw-away
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 culture.
As a result
 of the individuals emulating the actions towards other
people
surrounded
Verb problem
apply
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so as to promote their self-image,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 surplus of commodities has been purchased, leading to
accumulation
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the accumulation
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 of waste in unprecedented amounts.
Furthermore
,
such
 a consumerist society outlined above may cause
materialistic
Correct article usage
a materialistic
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 outlook, occurring on the account of money-oriented assessment of other
people
.
Nonetheless
, thanks to the immense contribution of
consumerism
 to
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 its drawbacks could be somehow minimized. By way of conclusion,
albeit
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despite
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such
 dire aftermaths
consumerism
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 as pollution and money-minded perspective, it is my conviction that ameliorating way of living in tandem with economic output,
consumerism
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
 societies more positively, as its downsides could be construed as a natural phenomenon. .
However
, urgent steps
require
Verb problem
need
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 to be taken in order to obviate
further
Correct article usage
the further
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 degradation of consumerist society.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need to be more clearly defined. Ensure that the essay's introduction clearly states the writer's position and the conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the writer's position.
task achievement
The essay mostly presents relevant ideas, but the response to the task could be more explicit. Ensure that the writer addresses all aspects of the task prompt and presents a clear position in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a generally logical structure, but some points could be made clearer and the development of ideas could be further improved. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas are developed fully and coherently.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • improved living standards
  • ease of communication
  • variety of choices
  • increased productivity
  • waste generation
  • environmental impact
  • materialistic mindset
  • financial burden
  • inequality
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