Today, TV channels provide men’s sport shows more than women’s sports shows. Why? Should TV channels give equal time for women’s sport and men’s sport?

Nowadays, there is a high number of
sports
played by men are broadcast, compared to that of women. The main reason for
this
is the growing number of people having more interest in men’s sporting
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
show examples
. In my point of view, I believe that
women’s
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
should be paid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equal attention. On the one hand, the major factor that why the game played by men is more popular.
To begin
with,
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
audiences that watch men’s
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
shows
considerably
Add a missing verb
is considerably
show examples
out
numbers
Change the noun form
number
show examples
shows
Change preposition
of shows
show examples
of their female counterparts
due to
when a lot of viewers watch it, the broadcaster will have more advertising contracts,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
get more profits and more money.
For example
, male football in Vietnam attracts millions of viewers. The television channels will increase the advertising prices in the peak hours to hundreds of million for 30 seconds.
On the other hand
,
sports
play
Wrong verb form
played
show examples
by women would
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
gained
Wrong verb form
gain
show examples
the interest of the audiences that of men.
Initially
, as everyone has known,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men’s
sport
has been invented for a thousand years, but as the world becomes more modern, women have equal rights to gender, so
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
have
also
taken part in
sport
.
Besides
, there are some
fast growing
Add a hyphen
fast-growing
show examples
women’s
sports
such
as aerobics and tennis which
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
gain a significant number of prices.
For instance
, the best female swimmer
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Vietnam, Anh Vien,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
won several gold medals for SEA GAMES 29, thanks to her accomplishments, people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
also
gradually
tended
Add the particle
tended to
show examples
follow
women’s
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
.
To sum up
,
besides
, the growth of the male’s
sport
, I think
women’s
sports
should
also
be invested by broadcast.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay discusses the reasons why there is a high number of men's sports shows broadcast compared to women's sports shows, and expresses the opinion that equal attention should be given to women's sports. The essay addresses the task but lacks depth in the analysis and fails to provide a balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay, but the conclusion is brief and lacks a summary of the main points discussed. The essay lacks coherence and cohesion in linking the ideas, resulting in some unclear relationships between sentences and paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: