In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

#years #interest #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits #success

These days, people have different views about the relationship between equality and personal

success

. It is believed that

individuals'

Suggestion

individual's

individual

achievement can be better realized in an egalitarian

society

, but others think that

individuals'

Suggestion

individual

achievement depends on personal merits. In my opinion, I entirely agree that equal

society

will help people gain more

success

. On the one hand, in egalitarian societies, people will have the same chances to access to education, which is one of the most important keys that leads people to

success

. Today’s compulsory education ensures that everyone, whether poor or rich, has opportunities to attend class;

therefore

, it allows individuals to achieve more. Specifically, while the children or young adults from wealthy families can have better preparation and condition during

schooling

Suggestion

school

time, the other poor people can

also

be provided free studying programs as well as affordable higher education.

This

makes sure that everyone has the same opportunities of having

success

On the other hand

, if people think they are living in an equal

society

, they will have more motivation to work hard and try their best. In employment,

instead

of worrying about discrimination, they will concentrate on

work

Suggestion

the work

to excellently finish their tasks.

For example

, almost normal employees frequently afraid of competing with people whose

family’s

Suggestion

family

members already have a high position in

society

because

this

helps them winning promotion more easily. It can be seen that if equality always appears in various aspects of life, people will tend to try their best to achieve their goals; thereby, their abilities will

also

be fairly recognized. In conclusion, with all things considered, people can achieve more in egalitarian societies. From my perspective,

this

brings about many benefits to our communities.

Submitted by bireus2411 on Sun Apr 12 2020

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

firstly
secondly
thirdly
in additional
moreover
also
for example
for instance
therefore
however
although
even though
despite

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

282 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

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