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Writing Samples
Band 5

Women will play an increasingly important role at workplace in future. But this may disturb their family lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#women #role #workplace #future #lives
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It is true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 will play an increasingly important role
at
Change preposition
in
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 the
workplaces
Fix the agreement mistake
workplace
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 in the future.
Although
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
this
Linking Words
 may disturb their family lives, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 argument. On the one hand, there are several reasons that the number of
women
Use synonyms
,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 are occupying the job positions
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing.
Firstly
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, with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 proper and balanced education,
women
Use synonyms
 improve their qualifications.
Thus
Linking Words
, they are able to do the same
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 as
men
Use synonyms
 for many
work
Use synonyms
 orders.
For example
Linking Words
, in the past, many positions
such
Linking Words
 as management positions were dedicated
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 only, but nowadays it is shared with both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
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 and in some cases
women
Use synonyms
 outweigh the
men
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.
Secondly
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, many duties need
especial
Correct your spelling
special
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patient
Replace the word
patience
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 to carry out the task. Since
women
Use synonyms
 are more patient than
men
Use synonyms
, they can do the job more accurately.
Finally
Linking Words
, owing to human rights,
society
Add an article
a society
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willing
Add a missing verb
is willing
show examples
 to give a balanced opportunity to
the
Remove the article
apply
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both genders.
On the other hand
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, traditionally,
women
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work
Use synonyms
 at and
men
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 out of the house.
However
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, many
men
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 are still opposing
women
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 to be a breadwinner, but in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society, it should be shared between
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, apart from delivering a child,
women
Use synonyms
 have special abilities which cannot be found in
men
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, as
women
Use synonyms
 have
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to study and discover their abilities,
people
Use synonyms
 in public soon realize that
women
Use synonyms
 can have as many talents as
men
Use synonyms
, and can do the job
as well as
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Women’s
Use synonyms
 ability to study and acquire academic knowledge is undeniably very good; they can be teachers, masters, or even professors.
Although
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 still consider
Use synonyms
women’s
Use synonyms
 place to be in the kitchen and house,
Use synonyms
women’s
Use synonyms
 appearances at
office
Add an article
the office
show examples
 and in business are now appreciated, because
Use synonyms
women’s
Use synonyms
 performances in daily
work
Use synonyms
 have proved their ability; they can be good employees or intelligent bosses even in jobs previously for
men
Use synonyms
. In short,
people
Use synonyms
 are inclined not to consider others based on gender, but on talents, and task performances,
thus
Linking Words
Use synonyms
women’s
Use synonyms
 role in public and the workplace will be enhanced gradually in the future, as they
posses
Correct your spelling
possess
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 as many talents as
men
Use synonyms
 and can
work
Use synonyms
 excellently as
men
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 worldwide
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 protected under the law, and their rights are ensured; nobody can degrade their role without facing law-related punishments.
Submitted by ms13562003 on

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task response
Ensure that the main points are well-supported with adequate explanations and examples. Make sure to address all aspects of the task prompt in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and linking phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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