IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, most countries improve the standard of living through economic development. But some social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of the phenomenon outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #development #values #phenomenon
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
World economic development has rescued many
people
Use synonyms
out of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 deprivation and brought a better life,
whereas
Linking Words
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 claim
this
Linking Words
 trend leads to the loss of traditional
values
Use synonyms
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend has more merits and demerits which are manageable to cope with. On the one hand, many benefits are brought because of economic growth.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it reduces impoverishment and improves the quality of life.
While
Linking Words
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 grows, more job opportunities are being generated. The income from jobs can help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 escape poverty and
people
Use synonyms
 can have a better standard of living.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can have access to
education
Use synonyms
 when they can afford the tuition fee. Through
education
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 gain a variety of knowledge in many fields
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and learn how to use it for a better world.
For example
Linking Words
, Singapore used to be one of the world's poorest islands has become one of the richest countries.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 attracts foreign investors with no taxes,
invests
Correct word choice
and invests
show examples
 20% of its GDP into
education
Use synonyms
. Citizens of Singapore study at
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 prestigious universities around the for free.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there is no denying the fact that some traditional
values
Use synonyms
 are perishing because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumerism.
For example
Linking Words
, after meeting basic needs,
people
Use synonyms
 are eager to pursue more luxurious items without cherishing the things they have already owned. Humans think that everything can be bought with money, even friendship and love. When
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 becomes like
this
Linking Words
, it is hard for us to trust others or build a true relationship.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
values
Use synonyms
 can be restored by imparting moral lessons from an early age.
People
Use synonyms
 can cultivate the correct moral
values
Use synonyms
 and stick to those principles even though
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 may be changing.
For example
Linking Words
, China and Japan keep their traditional culture alive by celebrating
Lunar
Correct article usage
the Lunar
show examples
 Year and
Respect
Wrong verb form
respecting
show examples
 for aged day. Celebrating holidays together helps to nurture
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family connections, giving a sense of belonging and
celebrate
Wrong verb form
celebrating
show examples
 generations of families. More importantly, traditions create positive memories for children.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 should develop the economy because it brings immense benefits,
such
Linking Words
 as improved quality of life and
chance
Add an article
a chance
the chance
show examples
 to acquire
education
Use synonyms
. As for the risk of losing social
values
Use synonyms
, it can be prevented by giving value
education
Use synonyms
 from an early age.
Submitted by bammesdilia24 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
The introduction could be better structured with a clearer stance on the topic.
Coherence
Ensure the ideas expressed are concise and clear without being too vague or complex.
Sentence Structures
Ensure proper usage and structuring of sentences to maintain better clarity and comprehension.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • economic development
  • social values
  • materialism
  • community welfare
  • sustainable technologies
  • environmental degradation
  • social stratification
  • social cohesion
  • economic status
What to do next:
Look at other essays: