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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph compares the percentage of international and the percentage of UK students gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK University in 2009.

The graph compares the percentage of international and the percentage of UK students gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK University in 2009.
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The bar chart makes a comparison between the proportion of overseas
students
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 and
UK
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students
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 achieving
Linking Words
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second
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second-class
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class
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 or higher
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
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 across a range of disciplines at
UK
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 University in 2009 In general, both
UK
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students
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 and international
students
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 were able to gain
Linking Words
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second
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second-class
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class
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degrees
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 The percentage of international
students
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 gaining higher
degrees
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 in Electrical engineering and Information technology was higher than
UK
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students
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. The vast majority of foreign
students
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obtained
Correct pronoun usage
who obtained
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Linking Words
second
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class
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 in information technology (approximately 81
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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). Similar numbers of both types of
students
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 achieved higher
degrees
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 in nursing and accountancy (about 88
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 and 60
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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) Meanwhile, the
english
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English
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 literature, art history, international law,
sociology
Correct word choice
and sociology
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 higher
degrees
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 were attained by more
UK
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students
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 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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foreign
students
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 70
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of
UK
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students
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 gained higher
degrees
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 in international law, only
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
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49
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percent
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per cent
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international
Change preposition
of international
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students
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. The most popular subjects
which
Correct word choice
that
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UK
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students
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 choose to get
Linking Words
second
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class
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 were art history and sociology (about 80
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "second".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, uk, second, class, degrees, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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