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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#show #sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The charts illustrate data about online
sales
Use synonyms
 for four sectors in New Zealand in two selected years. At first
glance
Add a comma
,glance
show examples
 it is evident that there is no big difference in
Use synonyms
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of
sales
Use synonyms
, except
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
/music
sector
Use synonyms
, between 2003 and 2013.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
, travel was
main
Change the article
the main
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 in 2003,
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 and music
sector
Use synonyms
 became the largest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
sales
Use synonyms
. Looking into details, in 2003,
travel
Correct article usage
the travel
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 was
popular
Add an article
the popular
a popular
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 with 36%, so it was
major
Correct article usage
the major
show examples
 online
sales
Use synonyms
 of the year.
However
Linking Words
, there is a dramatic decline in the percentage of travel
sales
Use synonyms
 to 29% in 2013.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
21% of
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 chart in 2013 belonged to
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 and music
sector
Use synonyms
 and the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 rose markedly to 33% In 2013, so it became
popular
Correct article usage
a popular
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 year. Turning to other sectors, there is a slight increase in the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
books
Change the noun form
book
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
, so in 2003, the percentage of
books
Change the noun form
book
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 was 19%. After the slight increase, it reached 22% in 2013.
However
Linking Words
, there was a marked decline in
clothes
Correct article usage
the clothes
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
, so the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
sector
Use synonyms
 decreased from 24% to 16%.
Submitted by ramin.seferli.kb on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, proportion, sector with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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