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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph compares employment rates in three sectors in economy, in the UK, 2000-2010

The graph compares employment rates in three sectors in economy, in the UK, 2000-2010
The graph shows data about how many people were employed in three sectors of
economy
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the economy
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 in the UK over
ten-year
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a ten-year
the ten-year
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 period between 2000 and 2010.
Overall
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, what stands out from the graph is that there
were
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was
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considerable
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a considerable
the considerable
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 increase in the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates of both
Public
Correct article usage
the Public
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 and
Self-employed
Correct article usage
the Self-employed
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sector
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates of
private
Correct article usage
the private
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sector
Use synonyms
 saw a significant fall over the time period covered by the graph. Another interesting point is that
Private
Correct article usage
the Private
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sector
Use synonyms
 was the most popular in the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates in 2000, but in 2010
Public
Correct article usage
the Public
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sector
Use synonyms
 employed more people than the others. In
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
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, as regards
private
Correct article usage
the private
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sector
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
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rate
Use synonyms
 began at approximately 50, and
then
Linking Words
 it went down considerably to just over 40 in 2002. At which point it levelled off at just over 40 until 2003.
Then
Linking Words
 the fıgure declined remarkably, finishing at 20 in 2010. If we look at
Public
Correct article usage
the Public
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sector
Use synonyms
, the trend was very different. Having reaming stable at just under 40 in the first
tree
Correct your spelling
three
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 years.
Use synonyms
Employment
Correct article usage
The employment
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rate
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 increased rapidly, reaching about 50 in 2005. Between 2005 and 2006, there was a considerable decrease to nearly 45
then
Linking Words
Correct article usage
a marginally
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marginally
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marginal
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 rise to around 50 in 2010.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of
private
Correct article usage
the private
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sector
Use synonyms
 went in the opposite direction. After that, despite falling significantly to 20 in 2010.
Linking Words
Besides
Add a comma
,Besides
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 the
employment
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rate
Use synonyms
 of
Self-employed
Correct article usage
the Self-employed
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sector
Use synonyms
 fluctuated
around
Change preposition
from around
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 20 until 2007. The figure
then
Linking Words
 levelled off in the
last
Linking Words
 two years.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, sector, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "considerable" was used 3 times.
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