IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some university students live with their family while others live away form home because their universities are in different places. Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is often argued that
the
Correct article usage
a
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 high level of education is needed to live our
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 better. Some undergraduate students might stay with their parents
whereas
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, others live themselves because universities are located in different cities. In my opinion, I personally think that the cons of living alone outweigh the pros.
This
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 essay will address
the
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apply
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both views of self-staying. First of all, they might have some mental issues. When students live themselves, their isolated
life
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 might hurt them with
the
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apply
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loneliness.
For example
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, even though they can do whatever they want they would sometimes miss their family and
then
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this
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 problem might lead their mental disease
such
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 as depression.
In other words
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, they cannot afford to concentrate
their
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on their
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studying
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studies
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due to
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the
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their
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 unstable mentality.
Moreover
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, they
also
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 would suffer
the
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apply
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economic issues. They are not able to earn money because the obligation of
Add an article
the student
a student
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student
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students
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 is studying which means they have
the
Correct article usage
a
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 limited budget.
For instance
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, when their parents send them money monthly,
but
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apply
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it is not enough to spend because the monthly maintenance is quite expensive
such
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 as rent.
Furthermore
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, students barely consume the money
due to
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 the shortage of budget, so their economic problems might affect their social
life
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.
On the other hand
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,
hey
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they
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 are going to be mature. In spite of the fact that there are some disadvantages
Correct pronoun usage
that exist
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exist
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exist,
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 they would be strong
from
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in
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independent
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an independent
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life
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, they have to do everything themselves
such
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 as cooking when they need to be more mature.
This
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 phenomenon
also
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 has
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 effect
for
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on
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 the student to be an adult. In conclusion, it is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 good opportunity for
student
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students
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 when it comes to living away from family.
However
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, we need to encourage them to stay with their family for some personal issues. They are not
complete
Correct word choice
ready
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 to go
to
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into
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 society yet, they need more time to be
being
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apply
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a part of society

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task achievement
Your introduction should be clearer by rephrasing and simplifying what you mean. Instead of saying 'the cons of living alone outweigh the pros', consider stating 'the disadvantages of living away from home outweigh the advantages'.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. This will help the reader understand the focus of each section more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to proofread your essay to eliminate small grammatical errors such as 'hey' instead of 'they', and the phrase 'living themselves' should be 'living by themselves'. This will make your writing clearer.
task achievement
Include more varied examples or evidence to support your points. For instance, you could elaborate on specific skills gained from independent living that can aid in future employment.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home, which shows critical thinking.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the effects of loneliness and financial constraints, are relevant and relatable, which makes your arguments stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion reinforces your main argument well, summarizing the essay effectively.
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