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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.
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The line graph illustrates the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
books
Use synonyms
 read by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at the Burnaby Library in four years 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, the line graph shows a gradual increase except
number
Change the article
the number
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 of women decreased
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
year
Use synonyms
 in the given period. It is evident that women read more than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men,
however
Linking Words
,
last
Linking Words
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
year
Use synonyms
 it changed
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 male reader number increased, whilst
female
Correct article usage
the female
show examples
 number plunged. With regards to the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of male readers, it began at around 3000
books
Use synonyms
 in 2011 and it increased a
merely
Replace the word
mere
show examples
 five hundred, which was 3500 in 2012. Following that, it soared
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 approximately 10000 in 2013 and it reached 14000
books
Use synonyms
 in the final
year
Use synonyms
 of the period given. Women, meanwhile, it was 2000
books
Use synonyms
 more than men at the beginning of the figure. Female reading numbers
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased gradually in the following two years (2012, 2013), 8000 and 10000
books
Use synonyms
, respectively before
dropped
Wrong verb form
dropping
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sharp
Change the adjective
sharply
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at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 8000 in the
last
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words books, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • library
  • gender
  • reading habits
  • compare
  • significantly
  • trends
  • increase/decrease
  • consistent
  • fluctuate
  • period
  • summarise
  • graph
  • public library
  • books read
  • Burnaby Public Library
  • 2011 to 2014
  • male
  • female
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