IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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In some nations, parents force
students
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 to invest excessive
study
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 hours
while
Linking Words
 reducing their leisure
time
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. I opine that
this
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 imposes negative impacts on
children
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, including the lack of employability
skills
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 and mental health problems.
Firstly
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, the principal drawback of
this
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 trend is the insufficiency of practical
skills
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 that
students
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 may need when joining the labour force. More specifically, if
students
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 are occupied by prolonged
study
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 hours, they would spend less
time
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for
Change preposition
on
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 extra-curricular activities, which provide perfect opportunities to obtain
the
Correct article usage
apply
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soft
skills
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 like interpersonal
skills
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 or multi-tasking. These are what managers seek in their job candidates and graduates lacking they would have less chance to be employed.
For instance
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, Apple, a popular technology company, prioritizes team players because developing software is group work.
Therefore
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,
students
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being
Verb problem
who are
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 too fixated on improving academic achievement are less likely to be recruited than those who are able to balance between studying and socializing.
Secondly
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, studying too much potentially leads to psychosomatic ailments in
children
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.
This
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 is because
students
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 often feel overloaded, stressed, or even depressed when they have to focus on dull, boring lessons for an extended period. The decreased levels of happiness may give rise to aggressive and anti-social behaviour among juvenile pupils, which would be harmful to their society.
For example
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, in 1995, an adolescent murderer who killed
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
his parents
her parents
show examples
 claimed that they had been forcing him to
study
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 incessantly to achieve high scores in the class. The kid was under pressure for a long
time
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 and eventually committed the crime as a way of stress-relieving. In conclusion, the expectation of parents that their
children
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 should set aside excessive hours to
study
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 and have less recess
time
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 would result in
students
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’ inadequate practical
skills
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 and reduced mental health conditions.
Therefore
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, I believe
this
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 idea has negative effects on both
children
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 and society.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt, but the response could be more comprehensive and focused. Ensure that the main points directly relate to the prompt and avoid introducing unrelated ideas.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, but the essay would benefit from stronger topic sentences and improved transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one to enhance coherence.
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