IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think it us best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion?

#people #music #school #focus #computer #science
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Nowadays, certain folks elaborate creative activities
such
Linking Words
 as music could be a part of,
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
In contrast
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, others argue that computing and science should be given the preference. In my view, following the complete range of
subjects
Use synonyms
along with
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 music at
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
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 level is necessary despite the difficulty in lesson
time
Use synonyms
 allocation. In short, the necessity of
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
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 can be fulfilled at
primary's
Change the noun form
primaries
primary
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.
Although
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 continuing computer and science up to the academic level is vital.
Firstly
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, variations of the thesis and creative skills are important to create the fundamental intelligence of teenagers,
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furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
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 student satisfaction
from
Change preposition
with
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 creative arts encourages them for studies.
Such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 hip-hop cultural and jazz performances to improve social integration
as well as
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 shaping students with creativity.
As a result
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, a healthy mind will contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in many ways. In a word, a person with creative activity
such
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 as music would keep him and others happy.
On the other hand
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, at
academy
Correct article usage
the academy
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level
Add a comma
level,
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 students should be given the opportunity to concentrate on the main
subjects
Use synonyms
,
while
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 creative practices as a hobby
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
after school. To illustrate,
computer's
Change noun form
computers
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 as hardware, software and networking
along with
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 biology and chemistry expanded
range
Correct article usage
the range
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 of subcategories, which are vital
as well as
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Use synonyms
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
. Lesson
time
Use synonyms
,
allocating
Wrong verb form
allocated
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 during institution hours will be hectic for teachers and the management. In short, more
time
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 and effort is necessary to teach computing and scientific lessons, which is important for job prosperity in future. In conclusion, based on job prosperity, technical
subjects
Use synonyms
 like IT and science should be up to academic standards,
while
Linking Words
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 only at primary levels, will benefit learners
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
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 or work. In my opinion, parents and teachers should collaborate together to expose their children to identify learning periods for extra
subjects
Use synonyms
. In short, success relies on contribution towards knowledge.
Submitted by walidramo on

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coherence cohesion
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task achievement
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