IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Question:- Over the past 50 years, young people gain status and power but old people have lost.What is the cause and it is a good or bad development?

#years #people #gain #status #power #development
It is irrefutable that
today almost
Accept comma addition
today, almost
 all fields
have dominated
Suggestion
dominate
 by young people, even in politics, technology and financial positions
.
Accept space
.
 According to me, it is a good development because of gain in knowledge and wisdom. I would like to explicate my point of view in
upcoming paragraphs
Suggestion
the upcoming paragraphs
. Indeed
,
Accept space
,
there are myriad reasons behind the change of power from old generation to the young is higher education. The young people are energetic and vigorous. Most of them have received a formal University education, where they gained knowledge, skills and experience
that is
 absolutely essential to their future careers. For epitomize, the people in
the higher
Suggestion
highest
the highest
 level in almost all the fields like Bill Gates
,
Accept space
,
Barack Obama and the direct of Microsoft are highly educated from
reputative
repetitive and persistent
repetitive
 institutes.
Moreover
, they are aware of the present situation and know how to face a threat. Expanding the statements
,
Accept space
,
compared with
young
Suggestion
the younger
 generation, old people's knowledge is out-
dated which
Accept comma addition
dated, which
 does not fit in with the growth of the current society. Old people respond slower than young people, who can always make quick judgements and prompt decisions.
Last
 but
the not least,
Suggestion
not least, the
 young counterparts have extraordinary spirit and high risk taking attitude which is needed for companies to grow. For
instanace
an occurrence of something
instance
instances
, in the manufacturing sectors, the use of advanced machines is quite
simple but
Accept comma addition
simple, but
 how to operate the equipments could be a tough challenge for older workers.
Therefore
, sometimes the elderly employees might suffer both physically and psychologically. To conclude
,
Accept space
,
I reiterate my opinion saying that the emergence of
young generation
Suggestion
the young generation
a young generation
 as a power behind an organisation is a good development.
Submitted by naresh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: