IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some think spending a lot on birthday celebration and weddings is a waste of money. Others think that it is important for young people and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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People’s opinions seem to differ on whether spending
money
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 lavishly on
celebrations
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 and special occasions is a positive trend or a mere
wastage
Replace the word
waste
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 of wealth.
While
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 some seem to agree with the argument that it is necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, I believe that
such
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 unmindful spending should rather be avoided.
To begin
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 with, there are myriad reasons to argue that spending loads of capital on weddings and other special occasions is quite unnecessary.
Firstly
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, in most of today’s
Use synonyms
celebrations
Add a comma
celebrations,
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 there is a deliberate show of power and easy cash.
Such
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 extensive
celebrations
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 are no better than pomp shows.
Secondly
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,
instead
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 of spending huge amounts of
money
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 on any celebration, it is better to save it and later invest it in better ways.
For instance
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,
instead
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 of spending lots of
money
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 on a child’s first birthday party in a five-star hotel, it is better to save it for his/her higher education.
Furthermore
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, sometimes spending on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and house warming
also
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become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 a social obligation for many people and they give in to the societal pressure
spending
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of spending
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 their hard-earned
money
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.
On the other hand
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, people who argue that it is imperative to have grand
celebrations
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 opine / insist that it is a way of enjoying life with their family and friends. They feel that
such
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celebrations
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 are part of their customs and traditions.
While
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this
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 may be true to a certain extent, in my opinion, there is no need to spend
truck loads
Correct your spelling
truckloads
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 of
money
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 on
celebrations
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.
For example
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, a birthday party held at home can be as enjoyable as the one held at a
five star
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five-star
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 hotel and yet it costs much less.
To conclude
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, I feel that unmindful spending on any occasion can be avoided.
Instead
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 that
money
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 should be saved or used in a better way.

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Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay is well-structured overall, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow even further.
Task Achievement
Try to include more specific examples or statistics to support your arguments, especially when talking about societal pressure and customs.
Coherence and Cohesion
You presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your viewpoint from the beginning.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses both perspectives of the argument effectively, providing a balanced view.
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