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Band 4.5

The first chart below shows the results of a survey which sampled a cross-section of 100,000 people asking if they travelled abroad and why they travelled for the period 1994-98. The second chart shows their destinations over the same period.

The first chart below shows the results of a survey which sampled a cross-section of 100,000 people asking if they travelled abroad and why they travelled for the period 1994-98. The second chart shows their destinations over the same period.
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the table
exhibit
Change the verb form
exhibits
show examples
 the years 1994, 1995,1996,1997,and 1998 had a
number
Use synonyms
 of 100000
travellers
Use synonyms
. Each travelling for
holiday
Add an article
the holiday
show examples
, Business, Visit to friends and relatives or other reasons. The most people who travelled
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 holiday was in the
year
Use synonyms
 1998 with 20700
travellers
Use synonyms
. As for business it had
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 most
travellers
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
year
Use synonyms
 1998 which are 3957
travellers
Use synonyms
. Moving on to the visit to friends and relatives, its most
travellers
Use synonyms
 that consist of 3181 persons
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 in the
year
Use synonyms
 1998.
Lastly
Linking Words
 for other reasons which had it most
travellers
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
year
Use synonyms
 1998, with 990
travellers
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 shows that the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
year
Use synonyms
 with
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
travellers
Use synonyms
 was the
year
Use synonyms
 1998,
then
Linking Words
 followed by 1997,
then
Linking Words
 1996,
then
Linking Words
 1994,
Linking Words
lastly
Correct word choice
and lastly
show examples
 1995. the
travellers
Use synonyms
 had travelled to Western Europe, North America, or other areas. 1998 had the most
number
Use synonyms
 of
travellers
Use synonyms
 in Western Europe,
in addition
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 in North America and
also
Linking Words
 in other areas. Which holds the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
travellers
Use synonyms
 in every destination. Followed by 1997 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
western Europe
then
Linking Words
 1996,
then
Linking Words
 1994,
Linking Words
lastly
Correct word choice
and lastly
show examples
 1995. As for North America we have 1997 after 1998
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 1996,
then
Linking Words
 1994, and
lastly
Linking Words
 1995.
Linking Words
Lastly
Add a comma
,Lastly
show examples
 for other areas, we will have 1997 after 1998,
then
Linking Words
 1996, 1994,
Linking Words
lastly
Correct word choice
and lastly
show examples
 1995. which shows that 1995 had the least
number
Use synonyms
 of
travellers
Use synonyms
 in every country.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, lastly".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, travellers, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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