IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

INCREASING NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE CHOOSING COSMETOLOGY SURGERY TO IMPROVE THEIR APPEARANCE?WHAT ARE THE REASONS?DO YOU THINK IS IT A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT?

#people #cosmetology #surgery #appearance #development
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An increasing number of
people
 often
undergoes
Correct subject-verb agreement
undergo
show examples
plastic
surgery
 because they are not satisfied with their
overall
appearance
.
Moreover
, certain celebrities believe that having cosmetic
surgery
 is beneficial because it can enhance their fame.
Nevertheless
, traditional
people
 avoid getting
plastic
surgery
 because they have to pay unnecessary expenses. The objective of
this
 essay is
therefore
 to explain the positive and negative consequences of the cosmetic
surgery
 trend in order to determine its true value to society. On the one hand, those who agree with
plastic
surgery
 point out numerous clear benefits. One of the major advantages is that
people
 can increase their confidence. They can fix insecurities that they suffer related to their
appearance
.
As a result
, they are more likely to find their compatible partners for their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Also
,
this
 type of
surgery
 can improve self-esteem. An additional favourable aspect of
plastic
surgery
 is that it can lead to greater employment opportunities. A substantial number of occupations,
such
 as actors, singers and models, require
people
 who have attractive appearances because they need to provide entertainment and look good for the audience.
Furthermore
,
people
 who have attractive appearances can
also
 have more opportunities for public speaking. Perhaps the most observable benefit is that there is a prosperity of cosmetic industries. In fact, many
people
 often want to have attractive appearances, so these industries are going to become more popular.
On the other hand
, the opponents of the growing trend for surgical enhancement commonly argue that it is not worthwhile. The initial drawback is that the cost is prohibitively high expense is quite high.
Moreover
,
patients
 who get
surgery
 are responsible for numerous other expenses,
such
 as medicine and recovery.
This
 factor makes cosmetic
surgery
 not so easy to access for everyone and can often result in bills that are much higher than
people
 expect. Certain
people
 who do not have adequate money often take loans, which can lead to financial burdens. Another serious complaint that
people
 have about
surgery
 is that it is potentially harmful.
Finally
,
patients
 often face side effects,
such
 as infections, blood clots,
unsightly
Correct word choice
and unsightly
show examples
 scarring.
Also
,
patients
 may take the risk of death if they do not have strong immune systems to endure
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these side effects.
For instance
,
patients
 who have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deep vein thrombosis are likely to take
greater
Correct article usage
a greater
show examples
 risk
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 additional clots, so they should be aware of
this
 condition after they
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
surgery
.The final concern deals with the fact that
people
 may get addicted. They may not be satisfied with their
surgery
 because they have unrealistic expectations.
Moreover
, they may focus on
plastic
surgery
appearance
instead
 of ordinary
appearance
. Clearly,
therefore
, there are some significant downsides that everyone should appreciate. Having analysed both sides of
this
 argument, on the whole, I still feel that the benefits of
plastic
surgery
 are minimal relative to the numerous drawbacks. Even though cosmetic
surgery
 helps shy
people
 and creates employment opportunities, they should avoid it because they have to pay unnecessary expenses.
Also
, they put themselves at risk of medical complications, and they are likely to get addicted. As a suggestion,
people
 should realize that the idea of cosmetic
surgery
 is completely outdated.
Submitted by Pongsathon - Cartoon - ISARANUSORN on

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Task Response
Strong arguments presented for both sides of the issue; clear introduction and conclusion summarizing the main points effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Smooth transition between ideas and paragraphs; cohesive structure throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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