These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sport. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays

children

Use synonyms

prefer playing

video

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

to doing some

sports

Use synonyms

in order to spend their leisure time.

This

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

the factor that

computer

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

give more mental pleasure than any physical

Use synonyms

activities

Fix the agreement mistake

activity

show examples

However

Linking Words

, I believe that

this

Linking Words

tendency appears to be negative as it prevents

children

Use synonyms

from

healthy

Add an article

a healthy

show examples

life. Many kids are addicted to playing

computer

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

and they consider it as a source of entertainment. But

this

Linking Words

feeling of pleasure cannot be given by

sport

Change the noun form

sports

show examples

activities

Use synonyms

. Doing exercise demands more power and

as a result

Linking Words

, an individual gets tired. Apparently, it can be done for only entertaining purposes as

children

Use synonyms

like to have fun more rather than to tire. In a reverse manner,

video

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

make

children

Use synonyms

Change the verb form

apply

show examples

enjoy more because they include a number of

activities

Use synonyms

and options.

For

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

reason

Add a comma

reason,

show examples

they are more popular than

sports

Use synonyms

among

children

Use synonyms

. In spite of making

children

Use synonyms

Fix the infinitive

apply

show examples

have fun, spreading of playing

video

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

instead

Linking Words

of attending

Change preposition

apply

show examples

sports

Use synonyms

does not seem to be a positive improvement to me.

This

Linking Words

is because of the fact that it causes

Change preposition

apply

show examples

some mental and health issues. Sitting in front of the

computer

Use synonyms

motionlessly affects

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the spine bone and skeletal system.

As a consequence

Linking Words

, it can be developed scoliosis.

Moreover

Linking Words

, looking at the screen without resting can contribute to

worsening

Correct article usage

the worsening

show examples

of the eyesight since the muscles of the eyestrain.

To conclude

Linking Words

sport

Change the noun form

sports

show examples

activities

Use synonyms

losing their popularity among the youth

being

Correct word choice

and being

show examples

replaced with

computer

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

due to

Linking Words

the point of view of entertainment. Notwithstanding, I would say that playing

video

Use synonyms

games

Use synonyms

have

Correct subject-verb agreement

has

show examples

detriments and does not make

children

Use synonyms

healthy

Rephrase

as healthy

show examples

sports

Use synonyms

do.

des conocidaTue Jun 09 2020

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task achievement

Enhance the introduction by clearly stating the reasons why children prefer video games over sports.

coherence and cohesion

Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to strengthen coherence. Make sure each idea builds on the previous one.

task achievement

Provide more specific examples to illustrate the negative effects of video games and the benefits of sports.

task achievement

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear viewpoint on the issue.

task achievement

The writer expresses a strong personal opinion about the negative impacts of excessive gaming.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
6
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

271 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

proliferation
immersion
engagement
instant gratification
social media
competitive elements
safety concerns
physical activity
educational pressures
leisure activities
accessible technology
community
entertainment
virtual
appeal
traditional sports

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These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sport. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and are unable to afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

the most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives

More and more people in developing countries are purchasing cars for the first time. What problems does this cause?

The number of cars has increased significantly in major cities. What problems does this cause and what are some solutions to these problems?