IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What messages does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? Give reasons for your answers.

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Nowadays, sporting champions are motivated by prize
money
Use synonyms
 and the permission
of becoming
Change preposition
to become
show examples
 famous;
however
Linking Words
, in the past, champions were encouraged by the win or the opportunity to break world records.
This
Linking Words
 difference shows the changes in the relations
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
past and present
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, and it
also
Linking Words
 creates a message to young
people
Use synonyms
 about
this
Linking Words
 attitude.  First of all, for
sport
Use synonyms
 was created it had been changed a lot in view and relation of
people
Use synonyms
 who watch
Linking Words
this events
Change the determiner
this event
these events
show examples
 or participate in them. The sportsmen, in the past, illustrated
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the enormous actions that our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 can realize, so all of them were motivated and inspired by the challenges in their common life, without big salaries and prizes.
For example
Linking Words
,
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
 games in their beginning attracted
people
Use synonyms
 from both sides, viewers and sportsmen, with an interesting competition, which had to show us the best of the best
people
Use synonyms
 who are spending their time in professional
sport
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
present,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 competitions are introducing us
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 best way of earning
money
Use synonyms
. An enormous amount of bookmaking companies crowded out the emotions of becoming the greatest sportsman and
pleasure
Correct article usage
the pleasure
show examples
 of winning the competition. Now,
this
Linking Words
 is the
Use synonyms
money winning
Add a hyphen
money-winning
show examples
 pleasure. When
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big
money
Use synonyms
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 the
sport
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 to focus on earning
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of being the winner among the population.
For instance
Linking Words
, we have football matches
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 fortune
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 chosen by bidding, so football players who are corrupted would do everything from winning or losing
this
Linking Words
 match as their opponents do. In conclusion, these changes were happening because of
money
Use synonyms
 in most. The happiness of winning the title replaced the pleasure of winning bids or
money
Use synonyms
 prizes in
competition
Add an article
the competition
a competition
show examples
.
Young
Correct article usage
The young
show examples
 generation should take the lesson from these and choose the way of what they want to have.

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introduction and thesis
Your introduction sets the tone, but consider rephrasing for clarity and coherence. Try to present a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss.
clarity of ideas
While your points are relevant, they need to be more clearly articulated. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you thoroughly explain these ideas to maintain clarity.
cohesion
To enhance cohesion, make use of linking words and phrases to show the connection between ideas and paragraphs more explicitly. This will help the reader follow your argument more smoothly.
examples
In your examples, ensure they are specific and clearly related to the point you are making. This will strengthen your argument and provide a better understanding for the reader.
understanding of topic
You present relevant ideas about the shift in motivation among sporting champions, which shows your understanding of the topic.
comparison
Your essay covers both past and present motivations effectively, indicating a clear awareness of the changes in sports over time.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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