IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

PEOPLE ARE BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBESE. What are the reasons of this problem and how can this be solved?

Nowadays, it has become a common trend for us to see too many overweight
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay is aimed at highlighting some root causes of
this
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 trend
as well as
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 suggesting two feasible solutions to decrease obesity.
Firstly
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, excessive consumption of fatty products has resulted in
people
Use synonyms
 gaining extra kilograms.
An easy
Correct determiner usage
Easy
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 access to fast food chains and
limits
Replace the word
limited
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at
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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spare time, of
people
Use synonyms
 have compelled individuals to end up eating unhealthy meals with
decent
Correct word choice
high
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 cholesterol. The appealing decorations of the very branches with appetising pictures of burgers attract
people
Use synonyms
 to visit
such
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 places frequently.
Moreover
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, inactive lifestyles of
people
Use synonyms
 are to blame for obesity as well.
In other words
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, the sedentary style of life brings about hard digestion of consuming meals in the stomach. As an outcome, the undigested nutrition turns into fat, which
makes
Correct word order
greatly makes
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people
Use synonyms
 obese
greatly
Correct word order
apply
show examples
. One solution to the issue can be social endorsements propagating fitness and healthy eating. Evidently, celebrities have the social power to affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Watching their idols doing sports, overweight
people
Use synonyms
 may commence attending the gym and having a well-balanced diet. Another way out can be an increase in the price of unhealthy food. I believe, far fewer
people
Use synonyms
 would consume greasy products on the condition that they
cost
Verb problem
are
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 too expensive. The effects of these suggested measures seem to eliminate obesity. By way of conclusion, the causes leading to extra
gain
Check wording
weight gain
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 of weight
such
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 as consuming unhealthy food and inactivity of the public are vivid
,
Punctuation problem
;
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Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
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 governments ought to take prompt action to improve
general
Correct article usage
the general
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 fitness of
people
Use synonyms
.

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organization
Plan before you write. Start with a plan: cause, effect, then solution. Use one idea in each paragraph.
lexical
Use simple and clear words. For example, say 'unhealthy food' and 'active life' instead of hard phrases.
grammar
Check grammar and make short, plain sentences. Remove long, tricky phrases so the idea is easy to follow.
content
The essay tries to cover both causes and two solutions.
structure
Conclusion repeats the main idea.
overall
The writer shows a purpose to explain obesity.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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