IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The proportion of elderly people in society is increasing, resulting in a greater need for healthcare services and social support. Some people believe that this development has positive effects on society, while others argue that it creates more problems than benefits. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Whether an ageing
population
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 is beneficial remains a subject of considerable debate.
While
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 some
people
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 argue that older adults contribute valuable experience to society, others believe that increasing healthcare needs create financial pressure.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before explaining why I find the
benefits
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 more convincing.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, supporters of an ageing
population
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 argue that older
people
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 provide valuable
support
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 to families.
This
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 is mainly because they share practical skills and help with childcare.
For example
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, in Australia, grandparents who care for their grandchildren can help parents continue working and reduce childcare expenses.
As a result
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, families can balance work and family responsibilities,
while
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 older adults remain active members of their communities.
Therefore
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, it is understandable why many
people
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 believe that an ageing
population
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benefits
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 society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, others argue that an ageing
population
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 creates financial challenges. The main reason is that more older
people
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 require medical treatment, home care and social
support
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.
Although
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 these services can be expensive, careful planning can help manage the costs.
For instance
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, in Australia, regular health checks and home-care services can help older
people
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 manage health problems and may prevent some hospital visits.
Consequently
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, governments can provide essential care
while
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 controlling avoidable expenses. For these reasons, I tend to agree that the
benefits
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 can outweigh the disadvantages.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both perspectives have their own merits.
However
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, I believe that the
benefits
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 are more convincing because older adults
support
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 families and contribute valuable experience. Ultimately, governments should plan healthcare funding carefully
while
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 ensuring that older citizens receive appropriate
support
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.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, explain more clearly why the good points are greater than the cost of care.
task response
The second main paragraph starts with the problems of an older population, but then moves to ways to control the cost. Add more detail about the problems first, such as less tax money, more care workers, or long hospital waits.
task response
Your examples are clear, but they are both about Australia. You could add one wider example or explain the Australia example in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two main paragraphs, and an ending. Each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear, with phrases such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “Consequently”. Do not use too many of these phrases in every paragraph; sometimes join ideas in a more natural way.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence of the second main paragraph says the good points are greater than the bad points. This is your own view, so it may fit better in a separate final paragraph after both sides have been fully explained.
task response
You stay on the topic and deal with both the possible good effects and the possible problems of an older population.
task response
Your own view is clear from the opening and is repeated in the ending.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will do, and the ending brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Examples about grandparents, health checks, and home care help the reader follow your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • elderly citizens
  • life expectancy
  • healthcare services
  • social support
  • public healthcare system
  • rising medical costs
  • pressure on public finances
  • pension system
  • working-age population
  • tax revenue
  • care homes
  • long-term care
  • unpaid childcare
  • family caregivers
  • valuable life experience
  • community volunteering
  • active ageing
  • retirement age
  • pension reform
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