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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Limited money should be spend on computer equipment or good teachers. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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As
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With
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 the advancement of technology, it has been applied in various aspects like business, medicine,and education. Some people advocate that the government should put
the
Correct article usage
a
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 restricted budget on
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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computer
equipment
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,
while
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 others suggest that it is better to be used
on
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for
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 training
teachers
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. The idea of both sides
with
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in
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 my own opinion will be
further
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 discussed and elaborated
in
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on in
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this
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 essay. On the one hand, the utilisation of intelligent devices can help
teachers
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 to enhance the eagerness of learning among
students
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.
For instance
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, combining with e-textbooks or learning applications
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can create an interesting and enjoyable environment in the classroom.
Students
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 can attain
the
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apply
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knowledge through
the
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apply
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vivid images or challenging games that can facilitate the enthusiasm of learners.
Moreover
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,
with
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apply
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the sufficiency of
advance
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advanced
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equipment
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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ensure every student is able to access a vast pool of
resource
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resources
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 on the internet instantly
as well as
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 the latest information.
Therefore
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, it is reasonable to invest more in
these
Correct determiner usage
the
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 hard and soft
equipment
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 of schools.
On the other hand
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, promoting the quality of
teachers
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 is great for improving the academic performance and psychosocial development of pupils. As pupils spend most of their quality time in school, the role of
teachers
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 is not only imparting knowledge
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 playing the part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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consultant and guardian.
For example
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, a mentor who has a sense of recognizing
pupil's
Correct article usage
a pupil's
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 unstable
emotion
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emotions
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 or the
sign
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signs
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 of school bullying at
early
Add an article
an early
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 stage
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
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 the issue
escalate
Wrong verb form
from escalating
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 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental illness, or
resulted
Wrong verb form
resulting
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to
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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irreparable
consequence
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consequences
show examples
.
Consequently
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, there is a necessity to offer the training course regularly to
teachers
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. In conclusion, uploading
the
Correct article usage
apply
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computer
equipment
Use synonyms
 is more adaptable and practical in
this
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 digital world nowadays,
while
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for
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apply
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teachers
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 who are qualified and experienced
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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also
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 virtual for
students
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.
However
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, I personally believe that a sensible use of intelligent devices would help
students
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 have great efficiency of learning; meanwhile, reducing the burden of
teachers
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 on the
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
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 task.
Accordingly
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, there is more advantage to spend money on computer
equipment
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that each paragraph directly addresses the prompt by discussing both views in depth and clearly stating your opinion at the end.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good overall structure, but consider using more transitional words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
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