IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many parents today do not spend much time with their children. Why is this? Does this affect parents or children more?

#parents #time #children #affect
It is safe to say that
children
 are the
parents
' most imperative property. Notwithstanding
such
 fondness, the hustle and bustle
lifestyle
Change preposition
of lifestyle
show examples
 and technological development have prevented
parents
to spend
Change preposition
from spending
show examples
 quality
time
 with their
children
. Inevitably
this
 negative situation has a hefty impact on families, which
more
Add a missing verb
is more
show examples
 obviously harmful to the younger members.
Firstly
, the
parents
' need for money relies on their care for the quality of life of their
children
. They work hard not only to make ends meet but
also
 to provide their
children
 with various privileges
such
 as private schools' expensive tuition
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 or the abundance of travelling worldwide. Unfortunately, being carried away by money makes
parents
 less likely to have
time
 for their
children
.
Secondly
, even after work,
parents
 can be distracted by technological devices or social media, which
also
 shortens their
time
 with other family members. Despite having good intentions or not, the fact that
parents
 do not value their
time
 with their
children
indispensable
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
enough has a negative impact on the growth of the later members.
It is clear that
 money is a fundamental aspect of a high-quality life but to properly take care of a child requires more than that. Even though
parents
 do not need to take the role of teachers daily, their appearance and supportive behaviour
creates
Correct subject-verb agreement
create
show examples
 a healthy and fulfilled environment for their
children
 to form positive characteristics.
On the contrary
, records show that a childhood without enough care from adults can lead to the child being emotionally unhealthy or lack of social
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and moral behaviour. In short, in spite of other responsibilities,
parents
 should use their
time
 to look after their
children
 because the growth of a child depends heavily on that.
Submitted by haanhlebui03 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Focus on addressing the specific questions asked in the prompt. Provide a more clear and direct response to the questions.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion. Use linking words to improve cohesion and coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: